Rivalry between adolescent brothers: I can not stand my brother!
The rivalry and love go together. Both are positive and play the role of socializing agents, especially love. Jealousy is normal between brothers, because they live together and share everything, starting with the parents' affection.
This affection is the most difficult to share, because it seems that if we share it, we lose it. Young children defend him with their teeth and nails, or what is the same, with jealous outbursts that seek to preserve at all costs the exclusivity of love.
Jealousy between siblings is very frequent and they present a great variety of forms and degrees. Therefore, we have to be attentive to fraternal relationships, Do not think that they are "brothers' things" and that nothing happens. We must bear in mind that, when there is excessive rivalry between our children, there is always a victim, either because he is jealous or because he suffers the consequences of his jealous brother.
We must observe, although with some independence, the fraternal relations, and not disregard saying that they are "things of children", and act if we consider it pertinent. When parents do not know how to detect these situations and do not solve them well, jealousy, which is born in childhood, can last until adolescence or resurface in that vital stage in which Self-esteem is destabilized and rivalry increases.
Brothers who fight over nonsense
First of all, we must differentiate between the trigger for jealousy and the reason that causes it. Many parents confuse them, for example, when they say "they fight over nonsense". Keep in mind that these "nonsense" are not the reason or the reason for jealousy, but, in any case, what triggers the fight. If we are not able to detect the underlying reasons, we will not solve anything, but we will spend energy uselessly trying to eliminate the triggers.
The triggers of a sibling fight can be as insignificant as you can think: a word, a look, a toy, to have come to such a place first, to have been more time in the bathroom, to have touched my things .. We must be able to transcend the specific situation and investigate the real reasons (not necessarily objective, because here objectivity does not count, but the perception of each child) that drive jealousy: that a brother perceives that the other is the favorite of their parents or other family members (grandparents, uncles, brothers older ...), that he is required more, that he is treated differently, that he feels overcome by his brother, etc. In the background always beats the perception of an affective deficiency.
Feeling protected by parents
We say that adolescence is a second birth, in this case to adult life. In this trance we parents must exercise midwives, or what is the same, attend the birth, help to be born, usually without special interventions, but being there so that they feel sheltered. We can not be parents until 10 or 12 years old, and when the rain comes, beat us in retreat. As far as these changes are concerned and to the fights between brothers, parents also have to adapt to them, not always expect them to adapt to us, accept their forms, put calm, listen.
Many parents do not know that their teenage children are being jealous because in general, they do not know what is happening to them. In this vital moment we must be especially attentive, because communication becomes more difficult in both directions.
If we act as midwives, if we are there, if we attend to their comments, to the relationship between the brothers, to how they talk about the other, if we succeed in not being scandalized by what they tell us and if they know that always, whatever happens, they count With us, we can detect this and many other problems and, in this way, have the opportunity to continue educating them.
Same sex brothers
The fights, the jealousy, envies are more frequent among siblings of the same sex and of close ages. However, jealousy can occur at all ages and between siblings of different sex. The reason for jealousy will depend, above all, on the culture and the family environment, on the scale of values lived at home. If we, for example, greatly appreciate clothes and clothing, it will be more normal for jealousy to be this.
We must not forget the character of our son or daughter, if he tends to be violent or resentful. We must be vigilant, because jealousy will often provoke more violent behavior. We must also make sure that the "wounds" have been well closed. A situation of jealousy can be aggravated in such a way that the child does not feel loved or clothed and look for the affection that he needs outside the home, putting himself in situations of risk.
Parents and daughters, mothers and children
It has often been said, or the children sometimes detect, that the parents (men) fall "drool" with their daughters and mothers, with their children.However, this is more of a topic, although sometimes a certain condescension towards the girls is perceived by the father and the boys by the mother. What is clear, and worrying, is, in many cases, the little intervention of the father in the education of the adolescent children, when it is the vital moment that they most need, both they and they, of the paternal presence.
Learn from your brother
In the educational task, especially with adolescents, we have to be very clear and present, that comparisons between siblings is the most nefarious thing that can be done. Comments such as "learn from your brother who is very obedient, student, responsible".
"You will never be the same as your brother, small difference of children", without bad intentions on the part of the parents, but with the purpose that the son tries harder and better, what they can cause is that they stir up the embers of jealousy .
We should never make comparisons between brothers. Moreover, we must be jealous of their individuality in all aspects and respect their different way of being, their different qualities, tastes and preferences.
Pilar Guembre Pedagogue
Carlos Goñi. Professor of philosophy