Do you have permission to shout at your children?
Many parents have decided to raise their children without shouting, without punishments and without whipping. They have chosen not to lose control and solve conflicts in the smoothest possible way. However, many of these parents, in spite of their conscious decision, lose control. For example, when your children start fighting. Or when after a long day, children do not obey. The parents, exasperated, resort to shouting.
Do you have permission to shout at your children? These screams sometimes manage to stop the conflict, sometimes not. Sometimes they make children obey, sometimes not.
The cries generate guilt in the parents
Almost always those screams have a very unpleasant side effect: those parents are invaded by an intense feeling of guilt that makes them feel bad. Very bad.
In my private online consultations I meet mothers who several days after a loss of control, are still affected and hurt themselves for having yelled at their children. It's understandable, the same thing happens to me! Shouting to another person, whoever he is, is not ideal and makes us feel very bad to many.
How often do you yell at your children?
If in a family screams appear daily, or if they are a habitual way of communicating, there is a problem. The coexistence is unpleasant, the climate is violent and probably nobody feels comfortable and safe in that environment. Or if there are certain situations that are always solved with shouting. In these cases it is convenient to look for other strategies to solve those situations, more respectful strategies. Sometimes it is necessary to ask for help from a professional.
Take advantage of your screams to learn to do better next time
But if the screams are sporadic, they appear a couple of times a month, parents have to make an effort not to feel like the worst parents in the world. This situation is a learning opportunity. The mother who has shouted at her children can reflect: "Why have I done it? What has caused my screams? What can I do next time to react in another way?" This will prepare you to do better in the future
Even if you do not believe it, your screams can teach important things to your children
If you scream at your children from time to time, do not feel terrible because those screams will be teaching your children some valuable things:
- That, as a human being, you lose control.
- That the people that we love also have conflicts.
- That sometimes emotions are stronger than us.
- That his mother is not perfect.
- That coexistence with other people is complicated.
- That the world is not perfect.
Whenever you yell at them, ask them for forgiveness
It is important that after losing control ask for forgiveness from your children. Asking for forgiveness does not mean giving them the reason or letting them not obey you. To ask for forgiveness is to recognize that you have treated them badly. You can say, "I'm sorry I screamed at you, I know I scared you, I lost control, forgive me."
Every time you ask for forgiveness from your children you will be teaching them:
- To be humble.
- To seek reconciliation when they have a conflict with someone.
- To recognize that we are imperfect.
- Not to be spiteful.
Above all, you will be teaching them to ask for forgiveness.
There are always alternatives to shouting
Any situation, however difficult it may be, can be resolved without shouting, with connection and empathy. Forever. But for us to be able to solve all conflicts without aggressiveness of any kind, we would have to be robots to whom emotions, fatigue, stress etc. they do not affect
Try to relate to people in your environment, including your children without shouting. Always seek the path of respect and empathy. But recognize that you are human and that sometimes you will lose control.
Shouting is not ideal, but if it happens, do not crush yourself!
When you lose control, forgive yourself. He thinks: "I did not like what I did, and I have not known how to do it any other way, I'm going to think about how to react better next time." Treat yourself well, with affection. Embrace your children. Hug yourself internally. Do not crush yourself Smile and reconcile with yourself.
And think about the amount of good and important things you do for your children every day of your life.
Amaya de Miguel. Founder of Relax and educate and author of the course No more fights between your children!