7 tips to manage couple discussions

When we begin a relationship with a person, and we are in the phase of falling in love, it is far from us to think that despite the great love we feel for the other person, the vicissitudes of life, coexistence, different forms to face problems, etc., will lead us to engage in discussions and disagreements.

We know that problems and difficulties will always accompany us in our relationships. It is a reality that we must assume, but not accept without more.

The important thing for safeguarding the relationship is to feel that the love and respect we feel for the other will prevent these disputes from destroying our partner. And that's the way it should be, because as a study on couples' discussions by Dr. James Campbell Quick, a professor at the University of Texas at Arlington, shows, most of the disagreements in the couple are due to small incidents and misunderstandings Easy solution that do not have to lead to breakage. It depends on us that our relationship not only emerges unscathed from these discussions but strengthened.

7 tips to manage couple discussions

People who struggle to save their relationships, and bet for forgiveness and reconciliation, will be much happier if they are able to get out of these small bumps inherent in a relationship. Putting these small councils into action will help us face the discussions and better manage the conflict:

1. Listening Sometimes, we get into a discussion that really does not lead us to anything being unable to dialogue. We simply carry a speech in our mind, which we do or want to tell our partner. At this moment the discussion becomes a monologue that will hardly lead us to a consensus.

2. Respect It is very important that love and respect for the other be present at all times, even in those who are debating different positions. Therefore, attitudes such as raising the voice, insulting or ridiculing the other have to be away from our behavior.

3. The consensus. In the face of a couple's contingency, there is no single solution, but it must be the members of the couple who make an effort to approach positions and find that solution that brings light to the problem.

4. The time. Sometimes it can happen that the words or the discussion in the couple is rising a lot of tone and begins to be destructive. At this moment we must choose to stop the conversation, in order not to hurt ourselves unnecessarily, and give us some time to calm down. In that way, the moment of anger will give way to a calmer dialogue.

5. Sincerity It is recommended that during a conflict over a specific issue, only that be discussed and not previous unresolved discussions, which will only lead to an aggravation of the situation. For this, it is necessary that when there is a discussion, neither of them bears feelings of something that bothers them, because this will prevent that chapter is completely closed, and may emerge again before another moment of tension.

6. Forgiveness. It is imperative that the love they feel both be translated in this moment of conflict in the ability to ask for forgiveness and to forgive. Many times, when we feel very hurt or believe in the possession of reason, we find it difficult to take the first step towards reconciliation, but this is the only way for our love to grow in the couple.

7. The change. The important thing after a couple discussion, is that it produces in both a personal reflection that, on occasion, will lead to small changes in behavior or attitudes, thus helping to improve coexistence. This is a simple way of contributing to the "we", without losing personal autonomy.

Each couple has to find the path that is valid for them, taking into account the respect for the different opinions that have been revealed during the discussion. It is important that "my" point of view and "your" point of view, typical of individualistic and egocentric behaviors, become "our" point of view, necessary for a healthy relationship based on love and mutual surrender.

Pilar Baviera Senabre. Clinical psychologist

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