The war of obedience: are we sending them correctly?
Since our son began to understand us, our eagerness to educate him will have pushed us to give him orders constantly. In most cases, the child will not have responded as we wanted. That is why we have asked ourselves on more than one occasion why he does not obey us or, simply, how to get him to assume our authority.
Precisely now, it is when he is in the opportune sensory period to accustom him to obey freely and not blindly. During these years, therefore, we will have to make an effort to teach our little one to obey intelligently, and not blindly, out of fear of the threat of a cacophony or an anger of ours.
Why do children disobey?
Throughout this stage of life, our son will disobey us, sometimes, in order to prove your will in front of ours. How far is the child able to get? How far is he able to resist our authority? Which of the two is stronger and persistent?
On other occasions, however, the main cause of the child's disobedience will be our own disability: we do not send it correctly.
The failures that adults commit in the exercise of authority are usually quite common and tend to respond to causes as varied as logical. Just stop and think: are we coherent in our mandates?
And, is that educating our son in the order and require him to pick up his room, for example, is a great idea, but will have very little effect we ourselves usually have ours as a real leonera. The same happens with other aspects such as brushing teeth, finishing the food that we put on the plate ...
At this point we must also question ourselves if our orders respond to a logic or if, on the contrary, they do nothing but confuse our sonYesterday we demanded that the lentils be finished and today, however, we do not allow it to finish the steak because we are in a hurry. Finally, we must take into account, with sincerity, if mom and dad usually coincide in what they ask the child.
Maybe it's good that we try to reach an agreement between us, because it is really important that the educational requirements at home are always the same.
Only then will we avoid confusing the child with conflicting orders.
Question of authority
Obedience is not the annulment of the personality, nor the blind submission of the will. For obedience to be a virtue, it must rely on the recognition of an authority.
Therefore, in order for our son to obey us "well", first of all we will have to get him to recognize our authority, which must be accompanied by prestige. If the child perceives in it a desire to do things well, to achieve what is best for him, and is something that can be reasoned with his level of understanding, he will tend to want to fulfill what is commanded, although then his will must be reinforced. with memories and demands.
The authority must also be strong. The first confrontation between our authority and your will will take place shortly after depositing the child in the cradle, and will last a lifetime, so the first must be firm and persistent: if we want our children to pick up their room daily, It will be essential to insist for the necessary time until they get used to it. If we fix it, we will have lost time. It must also be reliable, and not promise anything that is not going to meet, or threaten anything that does not keep.
Another indispensable requirement that must be met our authority is self-confidence. The absence of authority in parents disconcerts the children and makes them suffer much more than the refusal to caprice.
What do we ask? And how do we ask it?
At these ages we can not expect blind obedience in our son. The fundamental thing is not so much that the child does absolutely everything we tell him, without more, if not, little by little, he will learn to obey our demands.
In this first stage, our mandates will have to focus, fundamentally, on concrete acts from which the child can develop habits and virtues.
Later, after 8 or 9 years, the requirement will also be in thinking, until the child learns to make their own decisions based on the values acquired.
In accordance with this evolution, parents must raise with all seriousness the points in which we will be demanding our son at every moment, ensuring that the scheme is coherent and flexible, so that it really adapts to their needs.
A magic formula: tricks that help us
There are no magic formulas to get our children to do everything we tell them to do. But there are small tricks that will help us to educate their will.
In the first place, our orders must be concrete, scarce and related.Let's think, for example, if our goal is to teach the child to live order. In this case we will demand that you pick up your room, hang your coat and leave the plate in the pile. They are small things, that you know how to do, that you can clearly see if you have done them or not, and that you support each other to lay the foundations of a habit. When you assume them, we can focus on hygiene - washing your hands, combing your hair and brushing your teeth - then on the punctuality ...
Also, once you turn 3 years old, we can go reasoning Why pursue these objectives in a related way, and enter the dynamics of striving to achieve different habits: cleanliness, order, etc. However, while we are demanding you in a particular field, the others do not need to be forgotten.
There is no need to use taxation as a rule, there are more ways to do what you should: seek collaboration, the game, etc.
In this way, we will avoid "burning" our authority with orders that are not going to be fulfilled. What we send must be little and concrete, but it must be fulfilled. If we see that he will not be able, it will be better not to ask him.
In an opportune moment
In order for the child to truly learn to obey, we must exercise our authority well. This means that, in addition to finding the right moment for the demands (never while watching the cartoons, for example), we will also have to make sure that it complies with the first.
To obey at the last minute, with a bad face and after reminding him more than twenty times is not to obey, but to bend. In order to get our son accustomed to responding diligently, we must show interest in what we ask him to do and, if he does not respond, force him to comply at that moment.
Obedience and virtue
Finally, we must ensure that our demand is exempt from threats or extraordinary prizes. We must get the child to obey because he knows it is good. If we resort to promising something nice, it should not be too exceptional and, in any case, we will emphasize how happy it makes us see him obey and the benefits his effort will have for himself.
At first, the child intuitively recognizes the authority of the parents, but after five years, the direct requirement must be combined with the reasoning, so that it complies because it sees that it is good to comply.
Advice: Lucía Herrero. Psychologist and family counselor