Difficult children, what is behind their behavior?

The behaviors in children is the first thing we see to act. There are more or less restless children, just as there are more or less sensitive children. Each emotion is offered a physical or physiological reaction, and what we see is the outer crust of a whole series of layers that protect a very sensitive material at the bottom: emotions.

When we attend to punishments and labels when it comes to wanting to cancel a behavior that we decided we should not accept in children, before, it is important to take into account what is behind that behavior and what it responds to. We may find ourselves in need of heal emotional wounds, and with the punishment we are feeding that pain. The opposite of what the child needs to learn to channel his short circuit between experience-emotion-behavior. Let's see how we can look at behavior in children.


The result, sometimes, is not what it seems

Sometimes, without being too conscious, we classify the behaviors of children as good or bad. And this happens both at home and in the classrooms ... Come on, what happens to adults. The intention is put to "help correct" certain attitudes or responses that we do not consider appropriate. And normally we are guided to give them that value of good or bad according to the context and the rules that we apply ourselves.

See things from another side

Imagine for a moment: what if you were in front of someone who gives you a job interview, and you suddenly felt, at one point in the conversation, really bad * as if you had a bat of ants running through your stomach? Maybe you're not showing yourself very relaxed if this happens to you. You may even get up and leave, or you may until your voice sounds aggressive ... or you feel paralyzed, waiting for that unpleasant feeling to leave. In any case, your reaction will be conditioned to something that escapes your control, you do not know why it is happening to you and they are evaluating you!


How is it done in these cases so that it ends well?

Everything you can see in someone's behavior has to do with a process very formed by years and experiences, by neuronal connections and emotions that are established as foundations in our brain to give way to situations that we are living. It is a living, continuous and extremely sensitive process.

The need to feel a part

Children need to feel security and protection to be able to advance in their life. They need to feel loved to know that they are not outside, that they are part of what matters to adults, that we are going to help them resolve their fears until they themselves are capable * and of course they will want to do it alone, there is no Give them the confidence to show themselves that they can trust their strength. A good phrase to feed your self-esteem and self-confidence will be: "You can, you know"


When a child hits his brother, or answers the teacher badly, or does not pay attention in class, or even when he does everything he knows his adults like, that is a sign that he does not feel well. That he keeps an emotional pain that he does not know how to cure. He feels bad. Just as it also feels bad who assaults and who is assaulted.

The smoke that does not let see the fire

When working with families in Childhood as a Social Worker programs, we explained to mothers and fathers that a "deviant or inappropriate behavior" in children is a bad channeling of blocked emotions that are creating a kind of "stuck fireplace effect".

There is a great fire at its base, and the smoke that causes that fire is trying to vent its discomfort. But it is possible that if we do not know how to see it, the smoke will become more dense and bother more and more. We do not fan that fire by blowing the flames or throwing more wood, because every time we see more smoke it means that the fire is more intense.

Do you know how many of the bonfires and fires are extinguished? Throwing a blanket over it, right? Drowning the life of the flame in a kind of hug.

Boys and girls who are "difficult" have been reassured from a position of:
- listen out
- no judgments or criticisms
- samples of acceptance and affection.

How to do to help children calm down?

I propose several ideas that will surely help you:

- Do not let anger invade you in that moment when the child is in crisis. Think you need an adult to help you calm down and feel able to find yourself better by changing the codes that trigger you toward those behaviors.

- It is he who feels unable to solve, Offer him a space of contention. Otherwise, if both of you lose your temper, you would revive their discomfort and the conflict would become greater, becoming something personal for both, when, remember, it has to do with emotions that you do not know how to manage and are deeply rooted.

- You can return to the subject of what happened a while later. When everything is calmer, the child will be more receptive to listening and reflection. And you can speak from calm and understanding. This is important.

- Also do not force the moment, because it will revive him again and he will become defensive. It will be like blowing the embers to give strength to the fire.

- You can talk about it in the third person, or with a "sometimes happens when one gets very nervous and kicks ... for example, or with metaphors:" a wounded dog that you never take out to walk well cleaned and well fed, if you neglect the dog He becomes aggressive because he wants to go out and take care of him, but he does not know how to ask for it. Although that only manages to scare ", or a story created just for him or her.

This hurts less and can be put in its place from another perspective that allows you to see beyond what you felt. He will listen to the vision of the observers and will be given the permission to put himself in the place of the person who receives his "bad moves", looking for an alternative of change.

It is possible to make small gestures to solve big conflicts in the development of childhood. This leads to a good adolescence, and a way of living adulthood with greater harmony.

Raquel de Diego. Coach specialist in coaching for families and staff. Conciliafam

Video: Autism 203: “Addressing Challenging Behavior Part 2 of 2: Strategies for Home and School (2016)


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