How to solve the 9 most common couple conflicts
There is the "love forever" and a "happy marriage", but the two realities are filled with moments of uncertainty, pain, even anger. Those who achieve this challenge are those couples who know how to overcome the problems that life presents them. We consider some of those most common stones in the way of families and how to try to avoid them.
Each one of his father and his mother
It is one of the most frequent crises of the first bars of the couple. It arises when coexistence begins. The infatuation that deals with the great issues may not have stopped to look at those minute details that are perceived on a day to day basis. Oddly enough, there are many crises that marriages have to overcome because of such classic topics as open toothpaste or if the dinner plates are picked up or left in the pile. It is then when we discover that each one is "of his father and his mother". The educations received during all the preceding years are different and it shows.
To face this situation we need work especially empathy. It is important to put yourself in the skin of the other to judge properly each situation. The assessment includes knowing if the other person is really aware that a certain attitude bothers us. Sometimes, possibly, or know that there is another way of doing things because in their parents' house they were like that. The dialogue has to be very fluid because if the details are not discussed, they can be encyst. But at the same time, one can never lose sight of the fact that these are matters of relative importance only.
The politic family
Although there are only the bride and groom at the altar, there is no doubt that the family also has in-laws, brothers-in-law, nephews and a whole pleiad with whom we did not count. If this situation is common in all marriages, even more in the Spanish culture in which family ties are very powerful and are maintained over time. The interference of one's family and politics in matters concerning marriage can cause serious tensions in certain circumstances. In addition, the spouses have the feeling of being between the sword and the wall, since they are due to both their elders and their partner.
In these cases, Dialogue is the most effective weapon to solve problems. But it should not be understood as a dialogue intended for the opposite to understand the political family, since it is unlikely to happen, but rather for the marriage to agree on minimum basic principles that can not be transgressed. As the situations are different and they will be presented many times throughout life, it is convenient to talk about each specific case, such as vacations, caring for grandchildren or the Christmas holidays. In any case, it is essential not to attack the spouse for the behavior of his family.
The son who does not arrive
Late marriages, the excessive use of anovulators in youth, the pace of work and the level of stress are generating a true epidemic of couples with fertility problems. That desire to have children in common that is positive and strengthens the relationship, can become a focus of conflict when, month after month, that child does not arrive, when pregnancies are frustrated. Sadness can be present in the life of that marriage. And from that sadness the distance easily arises since, in order not to cause more pain, one avoids mentioning a subject that remains latent in both. Sometimes, it leads to more or less explicit criticisms, towards the other, and can even end with a marriage if you do not know how to manage.
The best way to avoid this serious marriage crisis is Do not delay the time of marriage and fatherhood for causes such as the need to grow at work or to reach a certain economic level. But if that circumstance can no longer be ignored and if the problem persists, it is essential to understand the value of marriage itself. Although the children suppose a wealth for the couple, The love of the spouses is not subordinated to having offspring. With this perspective in mind, the marriage bond will not waver in spite of the absence of children.
However, even if this marital breakdown has been avoided, the search for a child continues to be a situation of extreme stress. A good family counselor can help us overcome anxiety states and live them properly within the marriage. In addition, it will open avenues for dialogue and allow work on the subject so that it does not become entangled and hinder the relationship.
When a son arrives
The arrival of a child is usually a moment of extreme happiness for a marriage and, however, it is also a time of tremendous crisis. What happens is that couples usually adapt to the changes that fatherhood implies with enormous joy because for them the positive aspects weigh more in the balance.But there is no doubt that it represents a radical change in the life of a married couple accustomed to owning their time, to have each other without interruptions, to make decisions with enough freedom. Everything changes with the children: rhythms, hours of sleep, possible plans, time available, household expenses, priorities. * It may be difficult for the couple to adapt, that they delay in understanding what their new roles are and that they synchronize them.
They will be necessary great dose of understanding on the part of the father and the mother so that each one takes positions in the new scenario. Even if a child claims a lot of our attention, marriage should not be neglected because it will be the cornerstone of that family that has just grown. Therefore, look at things from the perspective of the other will make many rough edges. It is convenient to put distance on the problems and to understand that some of them resolve themselves with the passing of the months, like the lack of sleep or the tie that supposes the stage of the lactation. It is also important to stop looking at the memory of what can no longer be done and focus on the possibilities offered by the new life.
The different models of education
The best-matched couples often find points of friction on issues that relate to the education of children. If that of proceeding "from his father and his mother" becomes apparent at the beginning of the coexistence, the sensation returns to the scene when the problems with the children arrive at home. As in education there are no recipes, each member of the couple will raise before each circumstance the way to educate that considers more timely. And it will have to do with your personal experience, with your family experiences, with your way of being and with other elements with which we have to be particularly understanding.
The communication in the bosom of marriage will be the key to solving these specific crises. The negotiation will allow to approach positions in the process of solution that are neither good nor bad, only different. But the essential thing is to keep in mind at all times that agreements are necessary for the sake of children. It is not only a matter of thinking which option is the most beneficial, but, once a decision has been made, the parents must act in unison so that the children have a clear moral reference.
With the water up to the neck
Money does not give happiness but the lack of money generates more than one headache. The economic crisis has seriously attacked families. In many homes, situations such as long-term unemployment have served to unite more marriages, which together seek imaginative solutions to move the home forward. But there is no doubt that a radical change in the level of income is a crisis that must be faced. Adapting to new circumstances is complicated and can lead to common mistakes such as comparing one another's efforts or blaming the other for lack of resources.
When money is scarce, looking at what is important is the indispensable step. However, immediately thereafter, it is important that the couple start looking for ways to solve a situation that may be temporary or lengthen in time. Although the goal may be set to recover a certain level of income, it will be essential that the couple know how to take short-term measures that give a little oxygen to the accounts and peace of mind to the family. Decisions in this sense have to be agreed so that both parties feel that they are contributing. If the children are old enough, it is convenient to involve them, without alarmism, of the situation, so that they understand and collaborate in the agreed adjustment program.
Accompanied but alone
The reconciliation of work and family life coupled with the sharing of tasks in the home causes many couples to live immersed in a vortex in which they communicate with mere utilitarian messages and do not spend time together. The gear works, but the spouses live in solitude even if they spend a good part of the time accompanied by their children or at work. Marriage is suffering because it does not stop to talk about what is important but only focuses on the urgent. The life of a couple can become a mere exchange of notes of tasks in the common agenda.
The couple needs time to grow and strengthen, quality time that does not have to involve unacceptable trips or romantic dinners that go beyond the family budget. The important thing is to set aside time to devote to the other, so that you can expand on what concerns you and not be nervous trying to jump to the next task, to share common issues and discuss the problems we see on the horizon. You can set a time in common in that busy schedule, maybe it's just a quiet coffee on Fridays before going to look for children at school, or a special homemade dinner after they go to bed. But it is essential not to feel alone.
Third parties
Infidelities are the order of the day. Marriage progresses because of its complicated everyday marked by problems and, suddenly, a third person arises that does not generate complications, that does not overwhelm with complaints and that always puts a good face on. Temptation exists and many times the possible way out is not to flee from it, since it can be someone with whom we are obliged to deal with.If in a marriage one of the spouses looks out it is imperative that he look inside to find out where the leak is that does not stop his gaze. If you let yourself be carried away by an emotivism that is on the surface of our society, you may end up immersed in a sliding slope with a bad ending.
It is very convenient to do marriage self-criticism, that is, analyze what part of marriage corresponds to us and we are not doing well and which part does not do the other well, which part we can not tolerate and which part we have to learn to overcome. Only if we perceive that there is a problem will we be able to tackle it. If we do not manage to tackle the problem or even discover it, the help of an expert is the best option before the situation gets worse. The important thing is not to fall into the error of thinking that a physical attraction by a third party means that the marriage is finished and that, therefore, desire can be given free rein. The temptation is like the alarm signal that jumps in the car and tells us that it has to go through a workshop. If things are done well, the marriage will be strengthened.
The real problems
In the way of marriage serious problems can arise that affect the family as a whole. A sickness of one of its members, the inappropriate behavior of one of the children, having to take care of someone older, a disability ... These are situations in which, although the couple must remain especially united, it is likely that the mood are affected by events.
In these situations you need to look at the new scenario from a distance, take into consideration what are all the circumstances, determine if the change of situation is going to be circumstantial or definitive. We need to be pragmatic and look for solutions to those day-to-day issues that need to be resolved. Otherwise, small daily problems can become unaffordable burdens that end up damaging the marriage. The spouses have to go through the moments of mourning that implies the acceptance of all problems. Only then will they be able to get out of that crisis together and face life as it is given.
Marina Berrio
It may interest you:
- 10 tips to live a good courtship
- The importance of communication in the couple
- Ten tips to strengthen the relationship as a couple
- How to cultivate and maintain love as a couple
