The importance of communication between parents and children
Conflicts are part of any area of our lives, not only with ourselves, but in any human relationship. We may have discrepancies with a close friend, different views with a co-worker or discussions with our children. Ensuring that conflicts do not get entangled by opening channels of dialogue and communication is essential for them to become positive.
Conflicts in the family
In the family environment many conflicts arise, and often end up in discussions loaded with uncontrolled emotions, a war of egos, where the consequences are devastating for people and, of course, for their relationship.
However, the conflict itself, is neither positive nor negative, it simply depends, among other factors, on the interpretations we give it or also on our way of communicating.
A couple that solves the discrepancies, regarding the education of their children in an inquisitive manner, where one member imposes and the other complies, over time their relationship will be resentful, governing the distancing and coldness between them.
A mother who constantly criticizes her daughter for her dress, for example, will be a breeding ground to generate a cold, distant relationship, in addition to emotionally affecting the daughter.
Bases of good communication between parents and children
All these discrepancies that arise in coexistence could be resolved if we strive to establish good communication with our partner and with our children. Maybe, our partner only needs to feel support transmitting him with gestures and the look that we are listening to him and that we are worried about what is happening to him. Or, simply, our son needs us to tell him what it's worth, although sometimes things do not go the way we want.
There are many ways of doing it. It can be transmitted with a look of complicity, it can be done with the word, sharing a sport with our children, etc ... We can also communicate silently. Sometimes, learning that there are situations where words are left over is the greatest act of communication we can have in our human relationships, generating an atmosphere of trust, respect and empathy.
However, knowing what to do, what to say, how to say it or simply not saying anything is a complex process that raises a series of questions: how do we manage to establish a climate of trust with our children? In what way can we convey our support? How can I convey an opinion without the other person feeling threatened?
This type of questions deserve a detailed reflection, since it is not easy to gain the trust of our children and specifically in certain stages, such as adolescence.
How parents should make an effort to convey a welcoming attitude, inspire calm and respect when communicating. It is essential to try to understand our children; Wake up the intuition to detect your worries, your needs and, of course, know how to respect your privacy.
Errors that hinder adequate communication in the family
However, most of the time we get carried away by emotions, we do not control what we say and how we say it, generating feelings of guilt and resentment. Some errors that hinder an adequate family communication are:
- Tendency to minimize the worries of our children: adults consider our problems more relevant than those of young people because we perceive that they are more superficial and easy to solve. The fact of not offering the deserved importance to the problems of our children or not sharing their emotions with them, generates distrust or feelings of inferiority.
- Do not offer support to children when they have a problem and position themselves in favor of the opposite: in the adolescence stage, confrontations with their brothers or companions are frequent. Adults tend to say who has reason or not by feeding the feeling of "the world is against me". In this case, only listen actively, showing interest and help in the search for solutions is the most advisable.
- Give a value judgment based on the experience of the parents: On many occasions, when we have a conversation with children, parents tend to focus on our experiences and experiences and generate value judgments about what "should or should not be done". This way of acting is counterproductive, since many children do not care about the experiences of parents, all they demand is to solve their problems. In these cases, it is necessary to empathize and put ourselves in the shoes of our children.
- Choose sarcastic answers: Using humor is beneficial, but sarcasm can be harmful in a relationship between parents and children that can be tense in and of itself. Talking naturally, without showing anger and affection is a better alternative.
- Show a guilty attitude Our children's problems will only complicate the communication process, especially at the beginning of the conversation. It is important to speak of terms of responsibility for acts and consequences, but never of guilt, since they transmit emotions with a negative charge: "I do everything wrong" "I am useless" etc.
- The fact of trying to solve a problem of our children without counting on him at certain ages can be counterproductive, since they are the ones who must learn to deal with their difficulties. Therefore, listening to them and offering guidelines to solve a problem without imposing our opinion, may be the most advisable way to strengthen communication.
The basis of communication is to love, respect and be interested in their things and help them to solve their difficulties alone, promoting their autonomy. When there is trust, one acts calmly, one does not improvise and healthy relationships are established at all levels.
Ángel Bernal Caravaca. Psychologist and mediator. Cofounder of Lomber Soluciones Cyberbullying