Communication with my teenagers, what has changed?

The family is the first and most important school where we learn to communicate. As a family, we establish communication norms and all the members learn to fulfill them from a young age for understanding and good family harmony as well as to satisfy the needs of all members. But when the children reach adolescence, we realize that something has changed.

Changes in communication with adolescent children

Hence the importance of having good communication with children especially in this "difficult" stage such as adolescence, where the accompaniment and a good family model will be successful in future relationships and in the behavior of that child who is now through adolescence on the way to adulthood.


When a teenager proposes a proposal that parents consider inappropriate, or that even involves an impermissible risk, is the key moment to be able to engage in a conversation with him in a language that understands and with the appropriate ways to receive that "no" without feeling assaulted.

The guidelines are based on the idea of ​​active listening. Let him tell you. Be communicative with your child and try to understand feelings that are generating before answering a resounding no. Explain why you say no and offer other points of view that are attractive and serve as a model. In this way, you will not feel rejected at first and it will help you to understand why you did not agree with what he proposed.


They are in a learning stage and need to experiment. There are many proposals that adolescents make and that parents do not like or do not seem appropriate. We must avoid the constant "no" so it is good to reserve it for those proposals that seem inadmissible.

Faced with the moment when we must give a resounding "no", communication is once again the key. Allow him and ask him to give you another alternative. Propose it if he does not see it and be willing to accept it as long as the decision made is less risky or more timely than the one that your child initially proposed, even if it is not what you wanted. Finding consensual solutions will be of great help for the adolescent in this stage to feel integrated part of the family nucleus and not a "misunderstood".

Tips for talking with our teenagers

1. Address your emotions What are you feeling? Without going directly to judge their ideas, or criticize them. We must be careful not to cancel their feelings, but accompany them through our own example, which will be their best guide, to verbalize feelings and thoughts.


2. Reinforce the idea that you understand him. To encourage their expression of feelings we can also help ourselves with expressions that reinforce the idea that we are listening to and understanding them. It is simply a question of interspersing speeches that show them our active listening, like a "I see". It will make the adolescent anticipate our understanding and empathy regarding his feelings.

3. Mark the limits from the beginning instead of correcting them directly to avoid constantly raising new arguments. And when the debate arises, instead of the clear denial, one can resort to the proposal of alternatives. Adolescence is known for its egocentrism, so feeding them with other points of view will benefit their development.

4. Use the conditional assumption. A good technique is, once to directly correct their desires (often unreal and immature), grant them with fantasy ("That would be fine", "what would it be like if you could do it?") It can be a good mechanism of approach and at the same time The adolescent feels safe and confident to express his emotions. We will reduce your anxiety and, at the same time, it will be the adolescent himself who will verify the benefits and harms of his proposal.

Purposes for change in communication with adolescents

- Instead of lashing out at the child, describe how you feel.
- Instead of accusing, inform.
- Instead of threatening or giving orders, offering options: fosters autonomy and serves as modeling, that is, the father / mother, through his / her actions, must serve as an example for the adolescent's own course of thought.
- Instead of "giving the embers" with long sermons, say it with a single word.
- Instead of always resorting to reprimands, use surprising means, such as a sense of humor, to say things.
- Use notes, letters, to say things. They allow more reflection of the adolescent, avoid confrontations that end up directing the discussion in the forms and not in the media.

Raquel García Zubiaga. Psychologist from the Institute of Applied Neurosciences in Education

Video: Insight Into the Teenage Brain: Adriana Galván at TEDxYouth@Caltech


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