The mother-in-law in the family, why does she have a bad reputation?
The mother-in-law is usually a discordant character in the families, although in her defense it can be said that there are cases in which the daughters-in-law do not act correctly. And this situation is becoming more frequent, perhaps motivated by the education received and social influences. As a guiding aid it is worthwhile to find out what aspect of the character they should improve in order to learn to love the extended family.
Good family communication is based on good family relationships with rich content. It is essential that daughters-in-law and mother-in-law have a cordial relationship for the common good of the whole family.
How to get along with the mother-in-law
The figure of the mother-in-law has been harmed since antiquity, the negative connotations that the term has acquired, have transcended the anecdotal to be integrated into the collective imagination as a prejudice that we all adopt without being very clear about its dimension.
Facing the differences with the mother-in-law / daughter-in-law from a previous negative position does not contribute to the relationship, and instead, it can favor serious problems of both family and couple coexistence.
In order to get along with the mother-in-law, a good disposition is necessary, to be tolerant, to forgive, to treat her with respect and affection, to accept her as she is and to favor mutual knowledge.
Common mistakes made in the family
Next, we will make a brief compilation of the most common mistakes that are usually made, as well as some general guidelines to solve these situations according to the psychologist Mar Sánchez Marchori:
On the part of the mother-in-law:
- Think that you have lost your son / daughter forever.
- Look at the son-in-law / daughter-in-law as an intruder.
- Not respect the independence of the new couple.
- Consider the son-in-law / daughter-in-law, as the ultimate responsible for the son / daughter's well-being.
- Give too many advice when the grandchild is born, without being asked.
- Criticize the way they educate their child.
- Believe that age gives absolute wisdom.
On the part of the couple:
- Adjust the behavior with the mother-in-law, to prejudices and topics.
- Think a priori that everything the mother-in-law contributes is outdated.
- Believe that they should always be willing to take care of the grandchildren.
- Give too much importance to generational differences.
In short, the guidelines for a good relationship-mother-in-law will include attitudes of respect for the decision of the children when choosing the couple and for their privacy and way of life. When problems arise in the perspectives of the families of origin, they should be solved by the spouses and they should not interfere in the solution.
Consequences of getting bad with the mother-in-law
The consequences will be given both to the husband and wife, since the affection they feel for the family of origin is something innate and it is very complicated to resolve conflicts that are natural, offend or annoy the most personal part. You can talk about what happens with great delicacy, but maybe it's better when there's a conflict with the spouse's family, let him be the one to clarify it. For example, if the situation is with the wife and her family, let her solve it without interference from her husband or vice versa.
It is also very interesting to create in the family the culture of respect and not criticize; especially the grandparents, the uncles, the cousins ... Since criticizing the family of origin at home, is counterproductive for children and creates a feeling of lack of affection. Among the elderly, the fact of making criticisms or derogatory comments of the families of one or the other is a matter of discomfort, being also a source of conflict, a reason for sadness with regard to communication in the couple.
In a few occasions we would say that the acting or the relationship between in-laws / mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law / son-in-law can do so much damage to the relationship as to destroy it. Certainly, other factors would coincide, although if there are truly situations that involve suffering for the husband or wife about how the other's family treats them, it is necessary to put first the person in the other's life. . For this reason, and perhaps for a time, make the determination of a change in behavior and explain why from the point of view: "As I feel this way, for a time we will act in this way".
The communication is built, and sometimes we think that they will understand us in a first family meeting and it is not like that. That is, it is necessary to have patience, because these situations are new for in-laws and managing them is not easy, perhaps in principle they feel attacked, and marriage, which is younger and has more resources from patience and from guidance (in some case) of a professional, will resolve the conflict in the best way. This last point is very important, since conflicts arise in the life cycle, and the problem is not the conflict, but the way to solve it, since reaching the other is also making him feel heard.
Mar García Sánchez. Psychologist Valencian Institute of Creative Pedagogy - MSM
