The rivalry between brothers

Sticking out your tongue, yelling, breaking each other's toys, accusing each other ... are some bad practices of a whole catalog of guerrilla strategies that make parents lose their nerves. It is the least attractive side of the children, when the house seems chaotic with so many screams, crying and nerves. However, you have to get used to the idea of ​​having brothers involves, almost by necessity, some kind of rivalry.

Therivalry between brothers It marks children deeply and they usually play a key role in their future personality. During childhood, brothers and sisters are a very important part of their lives. They often spend more time with each other than with their parents: they live together, they eat together, they fight together, they defend each other, etc. This gives rise to a very intimate relationship ... but also very competitive.


Sibling rivalry, something inevitable

Sibling rivalry is practically inevitable. Resentment, envy, jealousy and ambivalent feelings are, therefore, normal among brothers. The fact that they are not overcome depends almost always on a wrong attitude on the part of the parents. The great danger lies in the fact that this natural competence between brothers is transformed into jealousy anxious and hostile. Jealousy and envy that, on occasions, last for many years.

Despite being something natural, we should not wait until jealousy and jealousy between brothers resolves on their own. They are more important than we are often able to appreciate. In fact, the envy among brothers was responsible for the first murder that is remembered: when Cain killed Abel. Many confrontations of adults can have their origin in those fraternal relationships poorly carried out in childhood.


Reasons for sibling rivalry: monopolize attention

One of the main causes of envy and sibling fights is the desire to monopolize parents. Some guys would prefer that they notice them, even if they were like thieves in a supermarket, as conflicting at school, or as disobedient at home ... before, on the contrary, nobody paid attention to them at all. Here lies the nerve of envy and friction between brothers: most of the time they are a way of capturing the attention of parents.

It is a kind of "instinct of territoriality", or what remains of it. Our son tries to defend what he considers "his territory". When you feel that you are threatened, although the threat comes from his own brother, reacts to defend it.

Parents: what we can and should do in the face of rivalries

On the other hand, the origin of jealousies and fights between siblings may be in our family, that is, in our own way of acting as parents. If they asked us, almost everyone would say that We love all children equally. However, if we ask them, it may surprise us that they are clear about who is their favorite or favorite. We manifest, perhaps unconsciously, our preferences and favoritism: because he is more like us, because he is the oldest, because he was born when we were more mature, because he is male, because he is a girl, because of his calmer temperament ...


Children have a keen sensitivity to grasp it and continually assess who receives how much and from whom. Often, we can unwittingly stir up resentment: by taking part in their fights, by comparing or encouraging competition between them.

Feelings of insecurity among brothers

Whether it is a way of attracting the attention of parents, or because they feel displaced affectively, in children between 6 and 12 years of age, envy is often the result of their own feelings of insecurity. A boy with jealousyis a child with a lack of self-esteem and it is important to have self-esteem to face life without fear.

It is not necessary that there is a real injustice situation at home so that our son feels that way. The child's own insecurity can lead him to form misconceptions about who are the preferred ones or who he wants more of.

Likewise, envy can be the consequence of an inferiority complex with respect to his brothers. This can happen when the older brother is very bright and the second one perceives it as an unattainable ceiling. When he sees him as a rival he does everything better than him. According to several authors, the root of all feelings of inferiority are comparisons. A boy does not worry about how tall he is, but who is the tallest (at school, in the group, etc.).

Ricardo Regidor
Advisor: Teresa Artola. PhD in Psychology, Master in Family Education by the EIES, university professor.

Video: More of Sibling Rivalry! | Brothers and Sisters Compilation May 2018


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