Types of punishment, are they effective in the education of children?
At the time of put a punishment, always remember what kind of action it is and what you punish for justice, not for annoying you. From 9 or 10 years it may be convenient that propose what punishment they deserve for his behavior. They will be more committed.
When our children have done a wrong thing, the punishment it must be sought at the same level that it arose, resorting to another level does not solve it. The effectiveness of education can not be based on the strength of the screams, but on the evidence of the reasons.
Most of the educational problems are located in three levels or in the combination of them. We are going to deepen something in the knowledge of the motivations. What internal feeling moves us to do something?
Levels in educational problems
When our children have done a bad thing, the punishment it must be sought at the same level that it arose, resorting to another level does not solve it. Specifying more: a problem in the area of studies (level 2) is not fixed by removing the payment (level 1) or a problem in level 3 (lies, answers, misbehaves, disobeys) will not be fixed without gifts (level one). Because behaving well for money or for a reward degrades the value of the action.
Real-life examples and types of punishments
FIGHT BETWEEN BROTHERS
The first thing is to think about why the fights between brothers take place and analyze at what level it corresponds to those we have talked about before. When belonging to level 3 the punishments could be: make a service to the family in the house, for example cleaning, doing your brother a favor, staying out of a family reunion ...
Do not try to look for the culprit, because our children must be builders of peace. Rather, we must talk about how good we feel when we get along with our brothers. Think, as a father, in your attitude: if you always defend the child, or if you are the father, you defend the child (because she is a "weak little princess") or if you are the mother, you defend the child (because he is "so affectionate to me"). ).
BAD REPLIES AND LACK OF RESPECT FOR PARENTS
This situation is clearly level 3 and must be cut at the root, because no one can love those who do not respect the other. In this case, the first thing to always say is that this is not the treatment that is given to a father, with great firmness and seriousness. Convince yourself that it is more important to earn your son's respect than his friendship. Your son is not your equal, your colleague, you are much more for him. To equate with him is not to elevate the child, it is rather to spoil him.
This is the typical case in which you can escape a slap, after several replies. In addition, you have realized that your son can become a perfect shameless ... Here you should ask yourself how you are going with authority. Faced with the bad answers, the punishment could be: if you do not respect your parents, or adults, you can not participate that night in the family gathering. Never consent disrespect or say, "Do not treat me so I do not treat you like that." The respect of children to parents is above all and this does not mean authoritarianism, but authority. The respect that our children owe us is not at odds with the trust we can establish with them.
This situation is level 2 (intelligence). Your child comes home with the grades and has only passed the sport, English and religion. Then you decide to take away the football, but your son is nothing less than the goalkeeper of his team, is where he feels happy and pretend that by taking away the best he has, study.
You think: "You have to give it where it hurts most". This is a mistake. There are always exceptions, but as a rule it is better to rely on your strengths (you are an athlete, you have a good heart, you want me) to pull the weak (study little, order less, arrive late ...). The idea is to convey to the child that he is not against his father, that it is his behavior that has to change. That he will punish himself with his behavior, that we would not want to punish him and that we suffer in doing so. What should serve to repair, to reflect and make change.
Faced with this situation, the punishment should always be aimed at remedying the situation: first, reflect with him why he gets bad grades and second, the best punishment is to set aside time for study, hours, dedication and quality.
Another typical scene: "Today, Saturday, I had to leave the house soon and I left everyone in bed." On my return, I hoped it would occur to them ... normal: make the bed, order the pajamas, books, games ... But nothing, they had not done anything! They were watching television quietly and also, without breakfast. In this case the level is 3 and the appropriate punishment is put to order until finished. Why? Because a habit such as order is corrected based on repetition of acts, not talks or shouting, or reproaches.
EAT BAD AND ONLY WHAT YOU LIKE
"It's exasperating, everything has to be with" ketchup. "Well, it could be very well fed ... but very impolite, we're at level 1. So, the punishment will be directed to that if you do not eat what you do not likeNor can he prove what he wants most because otherwise he would be infatuated and we would not be strengthening his will. Therefore, there is no ice cream, or there is no dessert that you like.
WHEN THEY BREAK SOMETHING OR DO NOT CARE FOR THEIR THINGS
It is another situation of level 1 (material level) although it also has part of level 3 if they have disobeyed. "That Saturday we went to dinner and we forbade the children to put the films from when they were little but they were so funny that they disobeyed and the movie broke: it got stuck with the adapter." I remembered that famous anecdote of Gandhi when after having stolen money to his father and approaching him to ask for forgiveness, this one as a reply he answered crying, he always remembered and never stole again.
In our case we decided to get very sad and we noticed that they were really sorry, and for a child the best motivation and the best reward is the joy of their parents. "These parents decided to punish their children with disappointment (this punishment corresponds to level 3 for disobedience).
Another way to punish them, focused on level 1, is for example, buy another video tape with their money, or clean the shirt they have messed up carelessly, and of course, not buy another ball immediately after losing the one they had , because they will not value things. What you can never do is fast replacement.
HE HAS DONE SOMETHING EVIL BUT HE HAS RECOGNIZED IT
“Mom, but I told you the truth. " We parents ask ourselves: do I punish him or not? "Look, I've told her a thousand times not to jump in the bed that's going to break her, and in the end she's broken it." The correct thing is to explain that you punish him for his disobedience, because if he had also lied, the punishment would be double. He is recognized for his sincerity so that he repeats it again but he has to be aware of his act. He has broken the bed, because he will sleep with the bed "twisted" a few days so that he is aware of his performance.
Ideas to reflect on punishments
1. Do not be tempted to lift the punishment at his pleas. In addition to losing all authority, you son is accustomed to not face what he has deserved in justice.
2. Parents always have to agree with the punishment they have imposed. Your son can not see that "mom punishes him and dad raises the punishment" or vice versa.
3. Do not crush your child when you see him fall. It may be that the bad action or attitude is repeated, or the inability to do what we want. We all have bad times, and at that moment what your son needs is that you give him a hand giving him the opportunity to recover.
4. Let your child explain himself before punishing him and always reflects with him about his performance. However, in the face of disrespect, remember that your attitude must be firm. Do not be afraid to lose your son's friendship, because if he does not respect you, he will never be able to love you.
5. Remember the compliments. Instead of looking only at the wrong things we will have to make an effort to see and praise him for that well folded shirt (although the other six are in any way).
6. Relate the punishment with the punished action. Your son always has to conclude that what you are looking for is that he be responsible and consistent with his actions.
Maite Mijancos. Family counselor