Adopted children: how to prepare for their integration
There are many parents who adopt foreign children who, sometimes, come from circumstances in which abandonment or abuse have been a constant in their lives. In these cases, the parents' relationship with their Adopted children, and the fit of minors in their new families, does not respond to the usual patterns. There are a series of stages in adoption, problems and characteristics that do not occur in other families and that you have to know how to manage.
Phases to be passed in the adoption of a child
The adaptation of the child to his new family is not immediate, but it is a process that has several phases and that it is convenient to know in order to face it better. In this sense, the psychologist and director of the Adoptantis Association, Lila Parrondo points out the following stages:
1. Initially the mutual ignorance and in many occasions a different language usually generate difficulties in communication.
2. After a while, when you already have a common language, parents and children share a certain "Honeymoon", all wonderful.
3. Soon the child challenges, challenges, tests the patience of the family. It is about testing the durability of the affective bond that is being generated to know if it will be possible to be excluded from the new family, to be abandoned again (experience that they have lived before), they try to make sure that the affection of the parents is really unconditional.
How to prepare to adopt a child
Adopt a child demands that parents prepare themselves adequately for the process to be successful. Not only do children undergo a major change, but also parents will have to make a substantial change in their lifestyle. The child will need a lot of dedication and attention, so that the changes that other parents are assuming over several years, the adopting parents will have to assume them almost immediately.
It is best to adapt without being overwhelmed. Very often the question arises whether it is convenient to keep the child abreast of his past history or to hide it. Opting for the latter is an error. It is best to keep you informed of the most important elements of your life. The adopted children who come from traumatic situations of abandonment need to know their background, experiences and traumas to repair the damage. All these data should not be hidden, since ignorance will harm them in the long run.
The parents must also make an assessment of the physical, psychological, intellectual, social ... of the child. To do this, we must go, if necessary, to a professional who evaluates it.
Some warnings for parents who want to adopt a child
The Adoptia Guide of Postadoptación for the Families elaborated by the Basque Government gathers some common characteristics of the adopted children that they will have to take into account when preparing for their reception:
1. They manifest difficulties of self-control during their childhood and adolescence for their desire to immediately satisfy their needs and desires.
2. They advance in some things and they get stuck in others. They quickly forget things and repress their feelings. Learning from experience can be much more difficult than other children.
3. They have a low tolerance for frustration, they do not tolerate "no" or "later". They do not tolerate criticism easily; Sometimes, they do not admit the obvious and they reject it.
4. They show an unusual detachment from things. They get tired of them quickly.
5. They have an inadequate perception of themselves, they are more often at risk, they do not perceive the dangers, they are hard on pain or hypersensitive.
6. They show a deficit in attention, in the concentration and in his intellectual performance.
7. They do not easily internalize the rules. They do not attribute value to lying or attacking.
8. They have a poor sense of reality, they misinterpret it, they misunderstand it, they provoke misunderstandings, they do not understand double meanings and they have little sense of humor. They show difficulty in managing time.
9. They show fear and fear of the unknown, to the new, to the unforeseen.
10. Instrumentalize relationships and try to control people and situations, demand attention continuously, want to be the center.
All these problems are normal and are due to their vulnerable situation. A correct prior preparation of the parents will help overcome them and the correct integration of the child.
How to face the encounter with the adopted child
We must count on the possibility that the encounter with the child is not as expected. Although you have asked other people who have had the same experience, one thing is what they tell and another reality. Therefore, you have to be prepared for all kinds of situations.
It should be taken into account that in some countries without resources or possibilities to prepare children who are adopted, they will come with more problems when it comes to meeting their new parents. In many cases they do not even understand what is happening and simply consider that they are being abandoned once again, so they may react with fear and anger.
On the contrary, in other countries there are protection systems that provide children with a specific preparation to adapt to the new life that awaits them. With these children that first meeting will be easier, because they have been prepared in a progressive way to accept their new parents and to start, motivated, a family life.
In any case, it is best to be prepared for any type of reaction. You can take some gift that helps to soften the initial fear, without demanding a proof of affection in return, because it is something that does not have to be produced at the beginning. Children should see their new parents security and integrity, it will reassure them.
Fears of adopting parents
Lila Parrondo points out that some of the parents' most frequent fears focus on "their children not wanting them or that they do not love their children." They also fear that "as they grow up they do not know how to exercise their parental role well enough". The director of Adoptantis points out that "when we arrive at pre-adolescence, the greatest fear is that curiosity about the origins will cause the son to move away in that search and not return". These fears are common, but they are often unfounded.
Miguel Pérez Pichel
Advice: Lila Parrondo, psychologist and director of the Adoptantis Association
