The danger of excessive parental control
One of the most difficult aspects of fatherhood and motherhood is to leave children free, and assume that they can be wrong and that they may suffer, and what may be necessary for their healthy development. It is normal for parents, thanks to their life experience, to be aware of the negative consequences that a bad decision can have and the discomfort that mistakes can generate. But controlling the lives of children in excess may have certain risks, which should be avoided.
When fathers and mothers see their sons and daughters suffer or be mistaken, there is a concern and suffering, a mixture of helplessness, sadness, anger, and even anger, which can generate responses from fathers and mothers. the best intention, do not be the most favorable for your sons and daughters. Among these responses, excessive control appears frequently, in an attempt to avoid errors considered "unnecessary" and the discomfort that it entails.
Fear and excessive parental control
The control of the sons and daughters by the parents is increasingly frequent and excessive. But why does this excessive control appear? In a way, control is something natural and logical. All fathers and mothers want the best for their sons and daughters, the hard part is knowing what is best.
We tend to think that the best for their happiness is to avoid problems, avoid suffering and protect them, therefore, from any type of discomfort or frustration. As adults we are, we have a broader experience and we are aware that sometimes a bad decision has led to an error, has made us suffer or has generated some kind of discomfort. And we intend, in an ineffective and futile attempt, to offer an apparent coverage to our sons and daughters and protect them from their bad decisions and their mistakes, through control. It's about making the decisions, about doing things for them to avoid mistakes, frustrations and discomfort that we consider unnecessary and harmful from our point of view.
However, we forget something very important. If we know all this, if we know how to protect ourselves from our mistakes, it has been thanks to our experience, and above all to the mistakes we have made throughout our experience. By controlling children for fear that they suffer we are depriving them of valuable experiences that imply important learning and development.
The dangers of excessive parental and maternal control
Excessive control may seem the best option to avoid problems for children. We think that they are still very small and that they will have time to face difficulties, frustrations and suffering when they are older, and this thought and the excessive control it generates has many dangers.
1. If we avoid frustrations, problems and discomfort when they are adults, they will not have developed nor strategies, nor strengths to face them.
2. We are undermining your self-esteem, confidence and security. Children need to face certain things on their own, sometimes just to show that they are capable of doing it.
3. We are turning them into dependents, unable to solve their problems, or do things alone.
4. They will be unsafe and will need the approval of others for taking decisions.
5. When we control them too much, we prevent them from facing frustration and as a consequence they will be unable to tolerate frustration or suffering and in the event of any complication or problem they are more likely to develop mood disorders such as depression or anxiety.
Keys to avoid excessive control by parents
1. Avoid excessive control is not the same as giving them absolute permissiveness. We must find the balance that allows the development of their autonomy and allows us to monitor them.
2. Try to supervise them, but let them alone do things.
3. It does not matter if you are ever wrong or suffer. Instead of avoiding it, what you can do is teach them with your attitude to face mistakes, frustrations or suffering. Teach them to see it as something natural and as part of life and to take a positive attitude. To do this, do not dramatize your problems or yours; change the regrets for a "let's see what we can do now, *." Let them express their fears, frustrations, sadness ..
4. You can help them make decisions, advise or teach them to value the options, but never decide for them or manipulate them to decide what you want. Remember also that what makes you happy, does not have to coincide are what makes them happy.
Celia Rodríguez Ruiz. Clinical health psychologist. Specialist in Child and Adolescent Pedagogy and Psychology. Director of Educa and Learn. Author of the collection Stimulate Reading and Writing Processes.
