4 steps to promote sincerity in adolescence
In our society it is not fashionable to tell the truth. In any case, a form of sincerity is valued, which is not the same. The sincerity when it is unreflective spontaneity, to take what one takes inside without thinking, to say what is without taking into account that it can affect others, is not the best way to tell the truth. Truthfulness implies a commitment to reality, a certain delicacy in saying, because the other is respected.
The only reason to tell the truth is moral: respect for others and oneself. Telling the truth does not make us richer, more beautiful, more intelligent ... but it does make us better people. The lie can get us out of a hurry, even, it can make us look good and take advantage, but it gets tangled up and tends to grow like a snowball. The lies end up weighing on our conscience, the truth, however, makes us free. We verify that when we honestly admit or deny a deception, we remain unloaded, liberated.
Adolescents who cheat friends and teachers
The lie is incompatible with friendship. Our children have to check that doing what is right, they feel better, they respect themselves and others. Turn them into people with their own criteria and self-esteem. We must help them to be assertive (neither aggressive nor passive), sure of themselves and without fear of "what they will say" (even if they are their friends). They are not "rare", but different, boys and girls who do not get carried away by the current * and are not alone. You can make them see that the "everyone does it" are a few.
Teachers are lied to for the same reasons as parents: to be well, not to disappoint them, to avoid punishment, to avoid a reprimand, to get a reward, to avoid embarrassment in front of classmates, to "save" a classmate, to look good in front of the class *
It should be borne in mind that, sometimes, "lies" to teachers have the consent of parents, that is, sometimes, some parents, "justify" their children, sign false notes, make excuses for them ... This is the worst example you can give your children. The truth is also valued by teachers and won in mutual trust. A lie, however small, easily pulls others. The liar every time needs to lie more.
Sincerity at 13 years
Why at this age? The lie in adolescence occurs because they begin to demand more outlets, more freedom, more plans at their own pace ... They are in full differentiation with their parents and seek above all the complicity of their friends, not to be rejected. Parents, for their part, think that they are too young to go to disco-light, to paint themselves as adults (them), to dress super explosive, to start smoking, to drink, to go to videogame stores etc ... and as parents put barriers , they cheat about where they are going, with whom and how.
"I'm not a girl anymore." This is a phrase that expresses that vital moment (the 13 years) when our children begin to discover that they are ceasing to be children. Going out of childhood, it takes them to a situation between two waters: on the one hand are the parents (who continue to think that they are still children) and on the other, the friends (who have to prove that they are older). They have to look good with both sides and, for that, you have to lie if necessary. The social pressure forces them to lie so as not to look bad and the barriers that, with good judgment, parents put, too.
If at age 13 we can establish a good basis on trust, truth and lies, we will have, most likely, become truthful people, with the truth ahead.
4 steps to get them to be sincere
1. Analyze the reasons for lying. Our 13-year-old son can lie for several reasons: to get something, to avoid a problem or punishment, to avoid a reality he does not like, to look good in front of others, especially his friends, to please his parents , to attract attention, and above all to use their freedom at will and overcome the barriers of their parents.
2. Disassemble your reasons for lying. We must analyze what is the real reason why he lies. If he does so to avoid punishment, we must review how we punish him; if we discover that he does not accept reality, we will have to teach him to accept it; If what you want is to look good to others or get attention, we will commit to strengthen your self-esteem; If you want to please your parents, we will review our family relationships.
3. Create an environment for sincerity. Therefore, we should never scandalize what they demand or what they think, create a propitious atmosphere at home for sincerity, an atmosphere of trust and dialogue. Our children must be sure that whatever happens, they have to tell us, because we are not going to be shocked or react violently. Fear makes many lies tell.We must express to our children our fears and fears about such a plan that they propose to us or at such a thought that comes to mind, however different they may be to ours.
4. Feed the climate of trust. Thus, we should try to make our children think: "I do not know what my parents will think about this plan, but I am not afraid to tell them," instead of: "Buff, this plan I do not tell my parents, they are not going to leave and they will give me a hurricane scream, I'll see what I tell them and how I raise it. "
Marta Santín
Advisors: Pilar Guembe and Carlos Goñi
