Adolescent rebellion: when the family is the origin
On many occasions, parents think that our son is the one who has to change. You can not live with so much rebellion, so much laziness, so much doing what he wants. However, we do not stop to think that perhaps it is us, the parents, those who are making mistakes, those who, for various reasons with or without intention, are acting badly and it is the family the origin of adolescent rebellion.
"My son is unbearable, everything I say comes in one ear and comes out in another ear, he has gone down in grades, he lives in the house as if it were a pension, and his lack of respect is continuous. because he's always working and besides, he and I do not talk about anything lately. " If this sounds like you, keep reading.
Do the parents have the blame for the rebellion of the adolescent children?
Adolescence is a stage of changes, it is a stage of crisis. Childhood is left behind and the boy or girl goes discovering himself, his interior, his person.
It is true that rebellion comes with adolescence, but not because of that, we must think that "they are things of the age that will pass away". No. We need to know the causes of their uprisings and above all, find out if this rebellion is a response to their lack of security because they do not see a stable family, because they observe disunited, distant parents who spend more time at work than in house, which are ignored or on the contrary, they are all day discussing. Maybe, the marriage is already broken. We have to find out if we, the parents, are responsible for our child being totally off center.
The teenager needs a family that listens to him
The adolescent needs, more than anyone else, a family that listens to him, understands him and loves him. It is a time when they need security and trust from their parents and educators, they need to be reaffirmed in what they are worth and allow them to feel confident about themselves. If they do not receive that security from their parents, they will feel adrift.
Mothers, on the verge of a nervous breakdown
Maybe you see yourself reflected in this scene: you have a teenage son that you can not tell him anything because he is always angry, that every time you talk to him or her with the intention of dialogue, you receive monosyllabic and sullen answers. However, you are aware that you must tell him many things, even more than a few years ago. Mothers are almost always at the center of the eye of the hurricane of discussions with their teenage children. And many times you end up saying: "When your father comes, you will see" as if the father were the agent of authority, a father-gendarme who has to impose the order that the adolescent breaks and the family needs.
With children or situations like this, it is understandable that the mother is almost always on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and that her anxiety is projected and then resented in relationships with her husband, who sometimes, in a benevolent way towards the son, maybe blame the mother for the inopportune, mean and misguided that is in what he demands from his teenage son.
The crisis of a couple with teenage children
It is in these cases, when the mother-child conflict (at other times the conflict between the father and the child) is extended and prolonged in the husband-wife conflict, so the mother (or father) is very tired and they question "Can you live like this?"
The crisis in the couple reverts to a too permissive education towards their children. Why do parents lose their firmness to say no when it is not? Because the father or the mother also seek comfort in their children, and they want at all costs not to lose their affection that they do not find in their spouse. Thus, avoid fights, arguments etc. They do not realize how mistaken they are with this educational approach, since it is demonstrated that a child does not want his parents anymore insofar as they let him do what he wants, but to the extent that he has limits that lead him to strive and grow in will in their studies, in their life, in their social relationships.
The permissive education, without limits, directs the adolescents to lead a life of authentic comfort, without effort for anything, demanding that everything be ready and as he wants. He will never settle and will always ask for more, more money, more caprices, more material goods.
Therefore, the absence of family coexistence, personal isolation and widespread permissiveness can transform the lives of adolescents into authentic islands in the infinite sea of the world, without a compass to orientate themselves and without the energy to look for the lost compass of which they have.
Tips so that the family is not the trigger of the teenager's rebellion
1. It is not easy for the adolescent to live with distant parents among them, disunited and without complicity with each other. In short, without parents who love each other. It is necessary that something change both in the parents and in the children, if it is the will of both to survive this coexistence.
2. Your teenager needs you to listen to him, that guide them, that you support them, that you help them. Phrases like "son, I have many problems to attend to your nonsense", cause much harm to your child.
3. Avoid criticizing your partner in front of your teenager, or to speak ill of him / her alone with your children, you are not going to be able to "win it" and not away from your partner. Is not true. The adolescent suffers a lot with these situations and the only thing that leads is to move further away from their parents, seeking consolation "outside".
4. Practice active listening with your child, looking him in the eyes and expressing attention. You also have to listen to what is important to him and it seems silly to you. If you do not attend to their "nonsense" do not expect to tell you the serious things later.
5. Devote time son to son every day. That is the treasure that each son takes away from his parents. Remember that our parents, when they die, only really leave us the time they spent with us.
It's difficult, because it costs, but have you asked your teenage son what he thinks of you, of you as parents, what he longs for you? Maybe you have not realized that you need, for example, that you are more at home, that you need to see more affectionate among you, that suffers a lot when you see them so distant, that you only ask about homework and you need to talk about the lifetime. Propose it, even if it costs.
Adviser: Aquilino Polaino. Professor of Psychopathology at the Complutense University, Director of the Department of Psychology at the San Pablo-CEU University, graduate in Philosophy (University of Navarra) and Psychiatrist.