True love, is there my better half?
The "flechazo" exists. Attraction is essential. That feeling of having a pressure in the stomach and not being able to control the thoughts because they are directed towards that boy that you do not eat or towards that girl that you have been "taken", is the logic between two people who are.
But in love there are several stages that run between the first phase of falling in love: romantic love until the last: surrender. The love dynamism is framed in two unions: the affective and the effective. Reducing the affective love experience to something only sensitive, of the senses, leads to interpreting love as an irrational principle.
True love or true love between two people
All love manifests itself through the signs and effects of love. Romantic love is discovered through the love language of knowing looks, smiles, words, gestures ... This is possible because of the freedom of people.
For love to be true, harmony must be given to the beloved and to the "personal self". The process would be as follows: you know a person if he mobilizes your external sensations; second, there is a meeting and respect between ideas and opinions; third, your feelings and yours seek an intimacy, a relationship of intimate trust (and we do not refer to the carnal); and finally, you value it, you value it, you look for common values, with which you have at your most intimate level, and what he / she also has.
The process of falling in love with the couple
We can distinguish four affective psychological and anthropological steps in the process of falling in love in the couple. Each of them affects the person in a certain way.
1. Immutation or romantic love: it is the characteristic transformation suffered by the lover. It is linked to emotion. It is the appearance of the beloved person as fascinating (attractive). Because it is the first affective union, it is experienced as an appearance, a novelty. "I can not eat, I can not study, I'm always thinking about him, I'm in love."
- It is a state that gives a lot of satisfaction, however, it is the least free moment of love, (there is a greater affective passivity). For that reason, one lives as "feeling possessed" and finds a relationship with magic, feeling "enchanted". "It's a beauty, it's that you're dying, I do not want anything other than being with her."
- This immutation occurs due to the external senses, especially the view. The memory linked to images and perceptions also influences. This situation is sublime and identifies with the true life, because without it he / she does not know how to live and one feels anguish when he / she is absent. The aim is to eternalize the moment.
- It is the first affective step. Currently, this first step, romantic love, is often presented as free love: love as a sexual moment, as a romanticized love materialized. But if romantic love is reduced only to a feeling, to a possession (dominion, submission, or sexual experience) instead of a greater promise (gift in its entirety to another person), both the lover and the loved one will remain empty in time, without prospects, without happiness. That moment will pass and will not give rise to a mutual and integral satisfaction.
2. The conformation or affective knowledge: this moment surpasses the mere "impression". In knowledge the beloved appears, as long as there is no knowledge, there is no beloved, there is only impulse. An affective dialogue is produced, an existing harmony between both is discovered (coaptation) and we move on to complacency, to think: "It's good that you exist".
At this level of falling in love, the internal senses come into play: the imagination. It leads to a deepening of the affective harmony with the beloved person. This state is far from the so-called improperly "Platonic love", which means exactly the conjunction or search for an unattainable ideal love with achieved carnal loves. In this love, the person falls more in love with the love than with the loved one. The integration that leads to true and affective unity is lacking. The entire knowledge of that person is missing.
3. Intention, election: After the previous steps, finally comes the choice to live reciprocally for you, not with you, but for you. It goes to reason, without leaving your heart. The other two states of falling in love have had to be given. The maximum friendship is sought. It is not a projection of oneself into the other, but rather one of looking from one to the other to look together.
4. Free and loving delivery to the other: it is the end of all affective process and it surpasses it, because it is the surrender of oneself. "There is a life that is worth living with you, it is worth living for you". It is the effective delivery (which gives true freedom), leaving oneself (which is not slavery). It is a promise of the future. For believers of different religious confessions, this commitment, this commitment, acquires a sacred value through its marriage rite.
The freedom to be fuller than the freedom to choose. The sense of proving that to surrender is different. If you manage to take all these steps with your loved one, almost in all likelihood, you will have found true love.
Tips to recognize true love and your better half
- The greatest love is reciprocity, reciprocity. And this reciprocity is achieved by thinking of the good of the other, not by imposing one's own ideas. And for this to happen, there is knowledge. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you should talk about reciprocity, complementarity, how you understand that of living for the other. It is the path of happiness.
- Do not believe, although society seems to say the opposite, that it is impossible to live with the beloved person throughout life. Do not believe that love goes away. Love is called to be more and more perfect, of better quality, if that mutual gift is achieved day by day in complementarity, in reciprocity, in free correspondence.
- Who are you looking to be happy? Do not stay in romantic love. Your love will be more joyful if you take honest steps, of commitment.
- Sometimes, the crush, the "romantic love" arises after knowledge. It's when you start noticing that you miss her.
- Know your partner thoroughly. To know a person is to know their ideas, their thoughts, their projects, their illusions. That is why true love is sought and found, when sensations and impulses are linked to affective communication. Talk a lot with him, with her, until you find out what your other half is. It is not a topic! There are many experiences in the life of couples who have loved and loved each other until the end of their lives.
Juan Pérez Soba. Master in Psychology and Family Sciences.
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