It's hard to make friends

Whatever the circumstances are, there are people who find it difficult to make friends: shyness, a difficult character, they have changed their city and do not know anyone, they are too busy with work or studies and schedules make it difficult to go out and meet people , etc. A good self-esteem and naturalness is essential to make friends.

Self-esteem is essential to make friends

Everyone is the way they are and, objectively, it can cost more for our personality to make friends. But those are the cards with which we have to play: whether virtues or defects, sympathy or problems to speak in public ... It would be counterproductive to try to disguise our way of being and behaving. Maybe we get it the first time, but we can not eternally disguise our way of being, which will come out sooner or later.

We must have the conviction that we, as we are, can have a lot of friends to whom we will fall very well. It does not come at all bad a bit of self-esteem at the time of taking the first step: if we tune in, fine; if not, then nothing happens. That does not mean that we do not care. On the contrary, we must do everything possible to make a good impression and remove obstacles to good communication.

Different environments to make friends

To meet people you have to move around different environments. Where we are not going to make friends is in our room and in our imaginary worlds. Friends can be found anywhere, yes, but you have to be open to the adventure of being friends with someone else. A friend is a treasure, and the more we have, the better.

Probably, let's go with our group of friends to the places that young people tend to frequent: bars, shopping centers, cinemas, cafeteria of the faculty ... However, there are other environments where we can meet many people knowing that the better that environment is , better people, in principle, we will meet. For example, we can point to some activities of the University, voluntary class work groups, a cultural association, a volunteer organization, a sports course or competition ...

How to make a good impression on others

Whether it is the first time we meet a friend or if we have been wanting to meet a boy or girl for some time, the first meeting is important ... although the first impression may be wrong. Sometimes we judge a person too quickly or we are influenced by the opinions of others. Thus, we waste the opportunity to know better someone who could be interesting.

There are no scripts: the best thing is to act naturally, as each one is, without it seems that we are willing to know everyone who passes by our side.

The first conversations are about contact, about close topics and mutual interests: What do you study? Where it is? What do you know of common friends? Do not tell me you've been in ...? So, little by little he will be encouraged to talk about himself ... and us too. In a short time he will no longer be a stranger to move to that wide category of acquaintances: we will know if he really is a boy or girl that is worth knowing, if he continues to attract his personality as at the beginning, and if a true friendship.

But, sometimes, you can spoil an incipient relationship by the happy questions. It may seem that we interrogate him and also about more intimate issues: do you have a girlfriend / boyfriend? Do you like to live with your parents? The private life of each one is not a topic to air the first ones of change. The future friend will have a good impression of us if he proves that we respect certain issues.

Without restricting the naturalness and the way of being of each one, a practical rule so that our questions are not inconvenient is to ensure that they are always open. That is, the answers can be diverse and very broad.

These broad questions are usually formulated with "What?" and how?". Do not use too much the "Why?", Since they tend to be intrusive questions. Our interlocutor must have the possibility to respond without committing himself, without talking too much about himself if he does not want to. In addition, it is much more communicative to be able to respond widely and freely than to reduce the conversation to monosyllables: "yes, no, well".

Knowing how to listen is fundamental to making friends

A high percent of the success of the first meetings (and also in the relationship with the usual friends) lies in the virtue of knowing how to listen, not wanting to monopolize the whole conversation. It is not about simulating or acting, but about creating a climate of trust, where everyone can talk, express their ideas and be heard. It is advisable to take into account the following aspects:
- Reaffirm the most important phrases and ideas of the interlocutor. "You're very right", for example. "I think the same".
- Be attentive to what he tells us, without being immersed in our thoughts; our nonverbal gestures also have to denote attention: body posture, looking at him or her instead of other things, gestures of affirmation, avoiding yawns ...
- Do not interrupt. Have patience and give time for the other to fully express their ideas and their affirmations.
- In the first conversation, it is better not to give advice or suggestions. We still do not know each other well enough and it would mean an intrusion.
- Listen between words: sometimes, you discover more of a young person's personality so he does not say that because of the words.
- In a conversation, it can be exasperating to continually change the subject. It gives the feeling of having nothing to say.

Know how to speak and express what you think

Knowing how to speak is also very important. In a conversation we broadcast messages that say a lot about our personality and our way of approaching the issues. Something that spoils an incipient friendship relationship is to adopt a clear stance: either white or black: "All those who think" A "are stupid", without nuances; or "I'll never do that in my whole life." That way you can not get anywhere; we must try to agree on common points instead of discussing from the beginning.

We will animate the conversation a lot if we respond to what it tells us with the appropriate gestures: to put a doubt face when it says something doubtful, to look surprised when it surprises us, to smile, to comment, to animate ... If we are paying attention (as it should happen) ), these reactions will be natural and will animate the conversation. Knowing how to speak also consists in adopting an attitude of interest, not just in expressing words.

Tips to improve and make friends

- The character. It is convenient to think about if many of our problems when it comes to friendship will not reside in that perhaps we have a clearly improved character.

- The first meeting is important, but not decisive. Although we all have some first general idea, we may be surprised later on how wrong we were.

- The extremist positions They never help a friendship relationship so we will have to avoid discussions from the beginning.

- Friendship means respect for the other's ideas. In addition, it is good to have friends with different ideas about life that, without pretending to influence us, nevertheless enrich us

- To have friends you do not have to simulate because, among other things, we can not always hide our character and personality. The most important thing of all is to act naturally.

- Look for some cultural activity, sports, charity, in the University, etc.. to sign up to meet new people. The better environment there is in that activity, the better people you will meet. In these activities it is easier to initiate conversation with other people and the content of the activity itself is an easy subject for dialogue.

Susana Moreu. Family counselor