The art of listening to children
Transmitting values, having good family relationships and spending time are three decisive factors for achieving quality communication. The art of listening to children It has the benefit of knowing you well after having invested many hours of conversation, avoiding forcing your privacy with questions that put you in an uncomfortable situation.
With a certain vision of the future, if we want to achieve a future friendship with our son, before we will have to have lived together many hours together. But it is not enough just to be, there needs to be something more than coexistence. Thus, for example, it is much more enriching to prolong a meal than to spend two hours watching television. In this last case, the comments of the other are easily considered as reasons that interrupt the program and we will hardly manage to start a conversation with our son.
Difficulty communicating with children
The main difficulties for a good communication are the following: overwork, a long work or school day that makes family treatment difficult, as well as an intense social life, frequent trips, laziness, etc. Assuming that we actually dedicate some time to our children, what degree of knowledge have we reached? Do we know if it behaves the same at home, at school and on the street? Through our conversations, we should know how his affection matures; whether or not it has willpower; in the event that he suspends, if it is due to lack of ability or effort, which are his best friends, how he is considered in class and a host of other aspects that will guide us to help him in his process of maturation.
Time yes, but family quality
As important as the communication itself is the quality of it. There are many boys and girls who complain that their parents only seem to care about the grades. The truth is that this assessment is unfair, but sometimes logical, if we reflect on the usual topics of conversation with our children and which we do a daily monitoring.
Our children need us to understand them, to listen to them, even if they are not always right or, of course, we give them to them. They do not accept shouting as a way of correction even though they can agree on the content of the scolding. For this reason, in order to achieve quality in our communication, we need to contemplate a series of values that we want to transmit to them. The children do not settle for us to dress, feed and ask for their grades. They require shouting, even if they do not tell us, that we "attend" them and demand our strength to solve the many questions that are asked at this stage of their lives. Thus, to achieve this much desired communication we should not systematically return home late, because we will not have the time necessary to talk calmly about their things and, sometimes, quality is reached by quantity.
A final factor that helps to initiate or improve dialogue with our children is family peace. López Ibor saw the main difficulty in communication between parents and children, not so much the lack of time as the family problems that prevent it. In conclusion, it seems that striving in transmit values, have good family relationships and spend time with children are three decisive factors for achieving quality communication.
More than words at home
To break down the issue in a simple way we can distinguish two large sections: personal conversations and family.
1. The golden minute. In some families the so-called "golden minute" has given a good result in which the father or mother, at the end of the day, spends a short time with his son to make a brief balance of the day (personal conversations, one on one ). Many times, the adult will find that the child does not have enough emotional vocabulary to express what happens to him; for that it is very useful that, after listening carefully, we will suggest terms that accurately reflect what our son is trying to convey to us. Glossing briefly the content of what we have tried to communicate, gives the child the security of having been understood.
2. In these conversations it is more important to listen than to talk. It is about "taking charge", of serving as "relief" or clarifying a confusing idea that you have and that you intend to contrast with us. And above all, never force the privacy of the child by asking questions that put you in an uncomfortable situation. It is preferable to build trust without further ado, so necessary that the question can be asked in the right way and at the right time.
Sometimes it is not possible to do it daily, so in some cases, it is useful for our children to know that throughout the week there will be a time when they can be alone with their father or their mother: go to buy the newspaper together on Sunday, walk the dog, return from the shopping area with the purchases of the week, etc.
3.Take advantage of family conversations that arise throughout meals, while we collect the kitchen, in the gatherings of the weekends or while we are on the way to school.
Maria Lucea
Adviser: José Manuel Mañú Noain. Psychologist
