How to act in front of a couple discussion

"I've been trying to explain for many years that there are attitudes towards life and ways of behaving that I do not like and that make me suffer. I'm tired, it does not seem to know and it does not change ". The basis to face any conflict effectively is always the same: communicate the basic acceptance of the personality of the other.

By our very nature, it is practically impossible for us to accept advice from anyone, unless we feel that he understands us, that he appreciates us, that he loves us. Before correcting or advising, it is essential make sure that our partner feels understood and accepted.

Two types of people before the speeches

1. There are people who by their way of being and the received education look at others with respect. They start from the basis that they are wrong, have defects, limitations and make mistakes; that's the normal thing, we're like that. They realize that they also irritate, get confused, are clumsy and excuse almost everything.

2. There are other types of people who tend to fix attention on what is missing, in what could have been done and what was not done, in what could have been said and what was not said and their lives are bitter, commenting on what the shortcomings of those around them hurt them.

Keys to discuss with your partner

In all discussions, those that have a solution and those that do not, none is absolutely right. There is no absolute truth in the marital conflict, but two subjective truths. The perspectives of what happens and how it happens are very different and respecting the other's point of view is the easiest way to solve them.

- It's good to be able to know how we feel about any difficulty: wounded, defensive, angry, misunderstood, worried, indignant, lonely, sad, not appreciated, criticized, wanting to leave and calmly, express it.

- Secondly, look for what is causing those feelings: I felt excluded, cold, no longer important for him, criticized, attacked, despised

- Knowing what is the cause of the episode, it is time to see if that emotional reaction is anchored in the past. The cause may not be the other but: wounds of the past, difficult times or traumas, basic fears or insecurities, things that I have not yet solved or left aside, how other people treated me in the past, things that I have always thought of myself.

- Once understood our reactions and the causes, we can understand that we are complex beings whose actions and reactions are governed by a wide range of perceptions, thoughts, feelings and memories. In short, reality is subjective. Therefore, the perspective of your partner can be different without that means that one is right and the other is wrong.

- To get out of these situations we both have to admit our share of responsibility in the problem, the discussion or the conflict.

Couples who remain happily married for years are able to enjoy each other thanks to the strength of mutual affection and admiration. They had learned to contemplate the weaknesses and strangeness of their spouse as fun parts of the complete package of their personality.

Video: Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships | Joanne Davila | TEDxSBU

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