12 solutions to the rebellion of adolescents
And if it turns out that your teenager is so rebellious, unbearable and unmotivated because the family and marriage is also in crisis? Recognizing the problems at home is the first step in the search for solutions for the rebellion of adolescents.
In many occasions, adolescents are aware of the distance between parents, the lack of firmness, the usual fights that are between them or simply, that are not at home because "they are always working." That is when they feel that their family is falling apart, that they can not be at home and this behavior based on rebellion arises.
When the family is the origin of adolescent rebellion
What can be done if the lack of communication of the parents, and the evident distancing between them is the origin of the rebellion, the drift and the lack of self-esteem of the adolescent son?
Aquilino Polaino gives answers to possible family conflicts. It is about improving self-esteem in the whole family, to protect it from routine, individualism, rupture and frustrations:
1. If parents are more away from home than at home for work or other occupations: the remedy is in the availability. It consists of spending time (which is the least we have!) To take care of our children and our spouse. With teenagers, for example, it is not worth "this issue we will talk about on Saturday with tranquility, darling". By Saturday, your 13-year-old son has already gotten drunk with a friend and they will do whatever they can. You have to be available, because there are problems that are only fixed at the moment when the other is encouraged to raise it and asks to be heard.
2. When parents do not know how to contain themselves and always argue in front of their children. Parents must convince themselves that they are absolutely necessary and essential for their adolescent children to reach the maturity that is proper to people. You have to make the effort, with external help if necessary, to improve your relationship, for the good of you and your children. What you can never do is "use" the children to speak badly of the other spouse because, in addition to the fact that they will suffer a lot, they will get the children away more from you.
3. If there is too much individualism in our familyNo one talks to anyone and everyone goes to their own. Individualism is the cancer of the 21st century. We and our children are tied to rewarding machines: the DVD, the TV, the video game console, the Internet ... Communication in the family, not being afraid to tell what happens to one, sharing sincere and close conversations, makes us great people and it gives us a lot of satisfaction.
4. If parents have poor communication with their children and can not dialogue with them: A very effective solution is for parents to talk less and listen more. In many families, when a father or mother says "son, we have to talk", the kid thinks "uy, bad, bad". Why? Because he knows that when parents say "we have to talk" they mean "I'm going to give you a speech for something you do not like". This would change if the parents had a purpose: to dedicate 75% to listen and only 25% to talk.
5. When parents lack coherence and self-demand. One is coherent when what one thinks, feels, says and does is one and the same thing. We ask our children to study but do they see us study, read magazines of our trade, get up to date in our specialty? You have to set an example first. This way they learn to self-demand, which is much better than having them monitored 24 hours a day. This is a progenitor enhancer, motivator, animator and protector at the same time.
6. When parents are always in a bad mood, without initiatives. Having initiative, concerns and good humor are three useful factors for family self-esteem. Routine is an enemy in conjugal relationships and with children. The key point is that there is creativity and initiative in the life of a couple and that will spread to the whole family. The best hours should be to share with your wife or your husband. If the couple is doing well, the children learn their "sentimental education" simply by seeing how their parents are treated, seeing that they admire, flatter, praise, are accomplices.
7. When parents believe that they are always right. You have to know and accept the limitations of each one, those of your spouse, those of your children. And make constructive criticisms to help improve, not to destroy and lower self-esteem. Sibling comparisons are odious. And we must also know how to ask for forgiveness as parents if we believe that we have made a mistake.
8. When the parents do not know how to accept the child or the spouse as it is. Recognize and reaffirm what the other person is worth, is vital. Our children also have to learn to tolerate frustration, yes, accompanied by their parents. We must also know that we are good at some things and not at others."Son, you look good in A and B, but I think C is not your thing." Let us reaffirm the other in what is worth, and he will see himself as what he is, a valuable person.
9. If parents have very little patience with their children. Adolescents form the generation of the "I" that has to be transformed into the generation of "us". This transformation requires time and, therefore, a lot of patience from the parents. Without that patience, the child's life first splinters and then fragments.
10. When we do not let the son stimulate his personal autonomy. It is part of freedom, of doing good things, letting them grow, giving them personal autonomy, doing things for themselves, always giving them opportunities.
11. When you do not have a personal project of life, nor of the family. To do this, you have to start over and design a personal project. You will not go far if you do not know where you want to go. You have to have a personal project to grow, and attend and help to discern and strengthen the projects of yours.
12. When parents do not know how to alternate in the education of their children and everyone wants to take the lead. For example, the adolescent daughter often detests the mother in this stage, to the point of promising herself that she will never be like her. This doubt that fits, makes mothers suffer a lot. It is better that at this stage, with dialogue between the couple, the father is more concerned with the education of the adolescent daughter. Among other things, because your daughter will accept better things that her father tells her. And the mother does not have to be afraid to lose her affection, since surely after two or three years, the daughter will return to where her mother and her behavior will be more understanding and less violent. The alternation between father and mother in the education of children is very convenient for the whole family. Thanks to this, parental authority erodes less.
Adviser: Aquilino Polaino. Professor of Psychopathology at the Complutense University, Director of the Department of Psychology at the San Pablo-CEU University, graduate in Philosophy (University of Navarra) and Psychiatrist. Author of the book "Familia y Autoestima" by Editorial Ariel.