Jealousy and love, intimate enemies
There is an erroneous and deeply rooted myth that identifies jealousy with the purity and intensity of love. Being jealous does not mean that you love someone more. "Loving means respect and acceptance of the other person, which is incompatible with the behaviors of jealousy that invade the rights of other people." These are the words of Pilar Conde, the technical director of Clínicas Origen, for whom the irruption of jealousy in a relationship can negatively affect it in such a way that rupture is reached.
The jealous person is afraid of losing his partner, with or without reason, but in both cases, jealousy makes him interpret reality under the prism of insecurity and fear. The imagination begins to gradually overlap with the facts and that is when suspicions give rise to insistent questions, surveillance of the mobile phone, WhatsApp, your email and other private areas. Although this "investigation" shows that your partner is not unfaithful, if jealousy is obsessive, nothing will matter. On the contrary, he will think that any detail, clue or call will corroborate his suspicions.
In jealousy, it's not you, it's me
The jealous, explains the expert, will always find reasons where there are none and will always find evidence to confirm their worst fears. However, the problem is not in the other, but in their interior, in the lack of self-esteem and confidence in their possibilities. When not valued, explains Conde, he does not understand why his partner may come to love him. Mistrust first, suspect later.
These people suffer a lot psychologically and come to present physical pain, coupled with anxiety, which prevents them from enjoying love, but from life in general. For them, Pilar Conde recommends professional help, therapy with an expert that lets them see where the problem is. It also recommends parents of adolescents to monitor behaviors of this type in their children and if they observe problems of jealousy consult, since in this age the guidelines of future relationships are established.
On the other hand, it is also advisable that the couple of the jealous go to therapy if it consents and reaffirms the surveillance behavior, either out of fear or out of real desire to help.
6 tips to control and overcome couple's jealousy
1. Start by loving yourself. Value your strengths and strengths, search hobbies and set yourself goals. Think that before knowing your partner you had the same value as a person.
2. Communicate with your partner. Express yourself and tell him what you feel on certain occasions. Between the two of you, you can find a solution that helps you control your fear, without your partner having to change to avoid your fears.
3. Respect your space. Trying to devote all your time to you will not avoid a possible deception and will generate overwhelm.
4. Do not compare this relationship with previous ones. Think that if you have lived a deception in the past, it does not have to happen the same now.
5. Avoid negative thoughts. Jealousy is unreal and comes from our own imagination. Try to discern and do not allow those thoughts to lead to jealous behaviors.
6. Keep calm. When you have an attack, breathe and wait for it to happen. Before talking to your partner and recriminating any act, try to lower your anger and nervousness. Do not let it go any more.
Gender violence and jealousy
Jealousy does not necessarily lead to gender violence, but as we know, are related to situations of power and control that can degenerate into aggressiveness, attacks and other manifestations of this type. Therefore, partner behaviors that involve explanations about our intimacy, our daily movements and friendships should make us suspect jealousy in the first place, and be warned about possible violent behavior in the future.
The control over the person and the manipulation for the isolation of their social environment are not exclusive indications of physical violence. Yes they are a psychological abuse and always a sign of danger.
Advice: Pilar Conde. Technical Director of Clínicas Origen