6 tips to improve communication with your children
Normally, adults consider that we have good communication with the children when we give instructions or explain dangers and care. However, often, we have difficulty communicating when our own feelings, and those of the child, are involved.
On the other hand, improve communication with your children It does not consist only in words: we communicate through looks, gestures, physical contact and even silence.
A communication of quality in family, that channels and adequately expresses emotions and feelings; It is important for the child and for his future, because it helps him develop his self-confidence and establish stable relationships with those around him. Poor communication to children, it is constituted in a model that is learned and reproduced, and that leads to frustrating relationships, conflicts and feelings of uselessness.
Bases to communicate with your children
Below, we give you the basis of a warm and respectful adult-child communication model through 6 tips to improve communication with your children. Each family can use these foundations to build their own way of communicating, listening to each other and exposing their demands and feelings without confronting:
1. Communicate acceptance. Children who feel accepted as they are, are more willing to show their feelings and problems, it is easier to talk with them. They can feel good about themselves even when they receive negative comments, because they know that the adult's love does not depend on that comment or specific moment. Instead, what children think when adults send messages such as "you're a troublemaker", "you do nothing but bother" "you act like a baby to get attention" "if you behave like that it's because you do not want mom "* is usually:" I'm bad "" I'm not worth anything "" They always reproach me because I do not know how to do anything right ".
We can accept children without necessarily approving their behavior. Therefore, it is necessary to always make them clear, calmly and firmly, without the need for extensive explanations; that, although we understand their feelings, their behavior is not appropriate and why. For example, before a child who bothers in the restaurant: "I understand that you are bored, but the adults have not finished eating and there are other people who may feel upset by your attitude, you can try to distract yourself by painting or * (offer alternatives)."
2. Use reinforcers. The reinforcers are invitations to say more, signs that we are listening and we are interested, doors to share ideas and feelings. They generate in children the feeling that their ideas are important and that we appreciate and respect what they are saying. For example: "I see", "Really?" "Tell me more" "I'm not sure I understood you."
However, in order to encourage communication with the family, reinforcers should offer themselves sincerely and never in a distracted and automatic way, as children notice this and feel cheated. If it is not the right time to be talked to, perhaps we can say: "I am very interested in what you say, I would like us to talk about it in a little while to understand it well".
3. Speak "with" the child and not "about" the child. Speaking "with" the child implies an interaction with him, bilaterally. Speaking "to" the child, or "over" the child, implies a one-sided discourse, or, worse, a conversation where you are excluded, even though you talk about it. Undoubtedly, there will be times when it is necessary, for his own good, to speak of him without his intervention; or indicate indisputable instructions. But always putting the respect and the consideration that, no matter how young he may be, he has his personality, his opinion and his right to express it, taking into account that the conversation adapts to his age.
4. Communicates positive orders and instructions. Trying to tell children "what to do" instead of "what not to do" is a good exercise to improve relationships between parents and children, teachers and students. It may seem difficult at first, but with systematic practice you get amazing results. For example: try saying "Hang the coat so that it does not drag" instead of "Do not drag the coat across the floor", or: "Please try to have your room collected" instead of "Do not be so messy".
5. Communicates brief and simple instructions and orders. Even if the children try hard to comply with the instructions, it is normal for them to remember and complete a series of successive commissions until a certain age (approximately ten years). For this reason, the most effective communication will be one in which things are asked briefly and concretely, only once, instead of long statements that have to be repeated several times.
6. Use strong messages to communicate important requests.It is necessary to avoid the "background noise" effect. The child should not get used to hearing the adults repeating the same thing over and over again, "sermons" or long sentences full of reproaches in a pitiful tone. In general, it is difficult for them to focus attention on adults when they are doing something else that they like, so it is convenient to use a firm tone that specifically communicates to them that what we are going to say requires their complete attention and that we will only say it time. Once they get used to this tone, the most common will be that they attend automatically when they hear it.
In general, an effective communication will be one in which visual contact is established at the same level between the child and the adult. The key to family communication depends on the age of the children, so let the child tell what they have to say until the end without interrupting; use a courteous and respectful tone even in situations of anger (perfectly compatible with the firmness) and do not be afraid to use the "me" or "you" to express our feelings or affirm understanding towards theirs ("I know that you are upset because you lost in the game "" I feel uncomfortable when there is disorder in the house ", instead of" You are a bad loser "or" How did you do all this mess? ").
Ana Barrantes. Director of Cabinet Psicopedagógico Aula6
It may interest you:
- The 7 habits of highly effective families
- Tips to encourage family communication
- The 10 worst sentences that parents can say to their children
- The best social network in the world, the family
