5 keys to relate more and better with our children
Human communication has its first basis in the family. This has an eminently protective and socializing function. Through the family, the child will establish links with the outside world. Early affective relationships, which will have as a first frame the family, will provide preparation for understanding and participation of children in family relationships and later extrafamily. Likewise, they will help develop self-confidence, self-efficacy and worth.
Another factor that will play a very important role, and that also develops within the family, in the development of communication of the individual with the world and with others (social skills), in the development of their emotional intelligence and in The development of your cognition-learning is the development of the bond of attachment. Ainsworth (1983) defines it as "those behaviors that favor first and foremost the closeness with a certain person, it is mutual and reciprocal".
Types of attachment within the family
According to this author, the types of attachment are the following:
- Secure attachment. In the interpersonal, those who have a secure attachment are warmer people, stable and with satisfactory relationships. In the intrapersonal, they are more positive, integrated and with coherent perspectives of themselves. They show high accessibility to positive schemes and memories, which leads them to have positive expectations about relationships with others, to trust more and to become more intimate with them (Feeney, B. and Kirkpatrick, L. 1996, cited by Gayó , 1999).
- Anxious-avoidant attachment. People with this type of attachment show less accessibility to positive memories and greater accessibility to negative patterns, which leads them to remain suspicious of others.
- Anxious-ambivalent attachment. These people are defined by a strong desire for intimacy, along with an insecurity about others, because they want to have interaction and intimacy and have an intense fear that it is lost. In addition, although they want to access new information, their intense conflicts lead them to move away from it (Gayó, 1999).
So we will say that the development of socialization, understanding and participation in relationships with others and the bond of attachment are facilitated and will be influenced by verbal language (both external, what the subject hears and produces, and internal , the thought that the subject configures through, in part, language and experience) and nonverbal language (gestures, looks and other nonverbal cues).
How to improve communication in the family
To create that climate of communication in the family that guarantees an adequate bond between parents and children, some points can be put into practice that will improve the communication from the earliest childhood so that, in this way, it will be consolidated in the later stages.
1. Create COMPLICITY AND TRUST. Search all those situations in which we can share tastes, hobbies, entertainment, sports, etc. with our son. At first we will be more inclined to share with him what he likes most, his preferences. Later, we will make our son also share our preferences, we will not involve him in the things that we like most abruptly but little by little.
2. A climate of DIALOGUE. Make the child tell us his school stuff, friends, activities * If he does not want to tell at first, what we will do is tell us anecdotes that happened to us when we were like him or we can also tell how our day has been at work or in those things that we have been doing. Some elements necessary for the dialogue to be helpful can be these:
to. Keep an active listening of what the child is counting (ask him some question, some affirmation, repeat a phrase that he has said * so that he can see that we are listening to him even though we are doing something at that moment).
b. Be positive: take out the positive side that every event can have.
c. Corrections that can arise throughout the conversation: if the child has to be corrected for something, that is always alone and in a precise and positive way (what happened, how did you solve it or will you solve it, what consequences does it have)?
d. Show the emotional part if necessary: how I felt, how did you feel *
and. Clear and non-contradictory messages: It is important that the messages that we can transmit to our son throughout the conversation are clear and not contradictory, that is, that he knows what our position is before an event or what we think about an issue or what is our criterion at the time of marking certain guidelines of behavior so that it obeys them and, that this is not today yes and tomorrow no.
3. What we do to TEACH SOMETHING NEW. Sometimes children do not want to face new learning or new experiences for fear of failing or not looking good in front of others. We must have patience and create in the child that complicity and trust in sharing games, fun, learning, etc. Then we must make him aware that everyone is wrong sometimes (give him our examples or other people that he knows) and explain that nothing happens, what he has to do is correct, ask for forgiveness if necessary and continue trying until to get it, not give up.
If what we want to teach is a priority and the child does not show interest and does not want to learn it then we will teach it to him or not, because we know it is a benefit for him even if he does not understand it at this time.
4. If we see that the child LIES. Here the reasons why the child lies when he tells some things can be diverse: he is afraid of being bullied, afraid of what might happen if he tells the truth (at school, in the group of friends), or simply wants draw attention. If the cause is one of the first two, we insist on the creation of that trust and complicity with our son; When we grow up, we must be good observers and, on the one hand, we must know the world in which our son moves (schoolmates, parents of their classmates, teachers ...) and on the other hand, see how he is doing day by day ( if you are happy, if you are sad or irritated).
If the cause of the lies is a wake-up call, you have to show them that this is not correct but perhaps at first not in a direct way ("you have lied") but by putting "your story" in the mouths of other characters and making them to him to reflect on what we have told him. Show a lot of interest in other things that you tell us and what we can do with it so that you feel appreciated-dear-dear * and do not pay any attention to the lies you may have told us wanting to get our attention.
5. What kind of COMMUNICATION do I have with my children? Communication is the process by which the interlocutors exchange information and ideas, needs and desires. This is a way to define communication, but when talking with our children the communication that we maintain with them should include, in addition: intonation, emphasis, speed or not of speech and also pauses or hesitations that overlap the speech indicating which It is the attitude or emotion that we want to express at that moment to our son.
In addition, gestures, body posture, facial expression, eye contact, movements of the head and body, and physical distance are essential elements to maintain a good and fluid communication. Let's think if we correctly include these elements when communicating or perhaps our many occupations, tiredness, stress * make our communication lose these elements or be distorted creating a climate of coldness and aloofness in the relationship with our children.
Eva Mª Aguirre. Speech Therapy Detection and intervention in difficulties