Empathize with teenagers: when their proposal is inadmissible
When a teenager raises a proposal that parents consider inappropriate, or that even supposes a impermissible risk, it is the key moment to be able to start a conversation with him in a language that he knows how to understand and with the appropriate ways to receive that "no" without feeling attacked.
The guidelines are based on the idea of active listening. Let him tell you. Be communicative with your child and try to understand feelings that are generating before answering a resounding no. Explain why you say no and offer other points of view that are attractive and serve as a model. In this way, you will not feel rejected at first and it will help you to understand why you did not agree with what he proposed.
They are in a learning stage and need to experiment. There are many proposals that adolescents make and that parents do not like or do not seem appropriate. We must avoid the constant "no" so it is good to reserve it for those proposals that seem inadmissible.
Communication is the key with adolescents
Faced with the moment when we must give a resounding "no", communication is once again the key. Allow him and ask him to give you another alternative. Propose it if he does not see it and be willing to accept it as long as the decision made is less risky or more timely than the one that your child initially proposed, even if it is not what you wanted. Finding consensual solutions will be of great help for the adolescent in this stage to feel integrated part of the family nucleus and not a "misunderstood".
The family is the first and most important school where we learn to communicate. In it we establish communication rules through which the members will learn to comply for the understanding and good family harmony as well as to meet the needs of all members.
Hence the importance of having a good education with children especially in this "difficult" stage such as adolescence, where the accompaniment and a good family model will be successful in future relationships and in the behavior of that child who is now through adolescence on the way to adulthood.
Tips for talking with our teenagers
1. Address your emotions What are you feeling? Without going directly to judge their ideas, or criticize them. We must be careful not to cancel their feelings, but accompany them through our own example, which will be their best guide? to verbalize feelings and thoughts.
2. To encourage their expression of feelings we can also help ourselves with expressions that reinforce the idea that we are listening to them and understanding them. It is simply a question of interspersing speeches that show them our active listening, like a "I see". It will make the adolescent anticipate our understanding and empathy regarding his feelings.
3. We tend to correct them directly. It is more useful to mark the limits from the beginning to avoid constantly raising new arguments. And when the debate arises, instead of the clear denial, one can resort to the proposal of alternatives. Adolescence is known for its egocentrism, so feeding them with other points of view will benefit their development.
4. A good technique is, once to directly correct their desires (often unreal and immature), grant them with fantasy ("That would be good", "what would it be like if you could do it?") It can be a good mechanism of approach and at the same time the adolescent feels sure and with the confidence of being able to express their emotions. We will reduce your anxiety and, at the same time, it will be the adolescent himself who will verify the benefits and harms of his proposal.
Purposes for the change of attitude of parents
- Instead of lashing out at the boy, describe how one feels.
- Instead of accusing, report.
- Instead of threatening or giving orders, offer options: it fosters autonomy and serves as modeling, that is, the father / mother, through his / her actions, must serve as an example for the adolescent's own course of thought.
- Instead of "giving the embers" with long sermons, say it with a single word.
- Instead of always resorting to reprimands, use surprising means, such as a sense of humor, to say things.
- Use notes, letters, to say things. They allow more reflection of the adolescent, avoid confrontations that end up directing the discussion in the forms and not in the media.
Raquel García Zubiaga. Psychologist Institute of Neurosciences Applied to Education
