How to talk to a teenager: 5 barriers that must be broken down
Adolescents are excessively sensitive to what their parents say and how they say it. It is not easy for parents to have a conversation with a teenager ... And sometimes, the fault does not fall as much on the side of the child as on ours. And is that a paternalistic or authoritarian, probably unconscious and unintentional, can throw down the floor any attempt to talk to a teenager and keep conversation quiet and fluid.
Listening to our teenagers with attention we will gain a position of respect that will allow us to enter fully into their own personal matters. Spending time with children, showing interest, listening, talking about anything and everything ... can help us create a communicative climate at home.
5 barriers that must be broken down to talk to a teenager
1. Hermeticism We must open up to our son
In most cases, what spoils or prevents a good communication environment in the home is a limited number of errors.
It is important to avoid anything that might abort or hinder a conversation. Almost always it is about attitudes, ways of being that must be discovered to fight against them: to talk incessantly, to continually contradict, dogmatic affirmations, not to speak, tone of voice that judges, unfortunate generalizations, answers that reveal that we are not listening. ..
Worrying about creating a climate of communication in the home necessarily involves opening up to our son, trying to enter his heart and mind. For this, it is necessary, first of all, to commit, "swear in" to take the necessary steps, to change what does not work for us, not to leave even if the results are not seen soon ... For this, it is required quite firm, leaving aside our own problems.
2. The communicative wall. Shows true interest
It is as simple as adapting time and conversation to the interests and attitudes of our adolescent children. Because, really, it is not so hard to connect with your interests; we can ask ...
- What activities is my son involved in? What are your experiences?
- How does my son feel because of them?
- How can I get my child to express better and more confidently their feelings and impressions about them?
- What topics do we really need to talk about with each other?
This simple exercise can generate a surprising number of ideas to have a conversation with our child. It will also help us to ask you questions that show a real interest in your life, your problems, your experiences. Because, let's not forget, everything of yours must interest us deeply.
3. Avoid only hearing. The key: listen
In addition, we have to learn to listen to their answers. Listening well is a key element to earn ourselves the right to be heard. Good listening entails enormous discipline. He needs to learn to pay attention to our teenager, not us. When a child needs to be heard, it is crucial that we engage and force ourselves not to discuss, contradict or judge any comments that you make; There will be a moment to make things clear, now it is about listening to him.
When talking with a teenager, the governing principle could be expressed as follows: "If we listen with attention and true interest, we will create an atmosphere in which our son will listen to us" ... But there is no guarantee that it will happen immediately. . Teenagers need to spend an exorbitant amount of time thinking about their thoughts, feelings, what they have to do, their friends ... Listening carefully we will gain a position of respect that will allow us to enter fully into their own personal affairs.
4. No goals. Locate the goal, have a clear purpose
Sometimes, we say things that we would later wish we had not said. When we do not have clear purposes in the conversation, we can deviate and end up hurting and hurting without really wanting to. Therefore, it is good to have positive goals in mind when talking with our child. So, despite being in a difficult situation, in the middle of an anger, for example, it is easier to calm down and not lose sight of what is important.
To improve communication with adolescents, we will have to develop some of those objectives that will help us overcome conflicts:
- Talk to our children in such a way that we always strengthen their self-esteem and their confidence to solve problems.
- Listen to our children in such a way that they really know that we are worrying about them.
- Let our children know that what they say and how they feel is important to us, even when we do not agree.
- Work to achieve mutual understanding in the conversation.
- Communicate our concerns about your negative behavior firmly, but without recriminations.
- Send clear messages to the children that we love them and that their welfare matters to us as much as ours.
5. Losing nerves. Control your emotions
Many times, we overreact and, especially when talking and talking, you have to learn to control yourself. Although it is something really difficult when who loses control is precisely our son or daughter. For this, we can:
- Ask for a time-out when the environment gets too hot. Say simply: "Let's leave it and we'll talk again in an hour".
- Accepting responsibility is something basic, because the tendency is to always blame the other for what goes wrong. We can give the teenager a good example by saying: "Remember when I said ... I was wrong, I'm sorry".
- Respond to the anger of the child by taking a positive attitude before losing your nerves.
- Use the "I", instead of the "you". The messages with "I" do not cause so much reaction to the defensive, it also helps us not to be blinded by our feelings or to condemn our children. Instead of saying: "(You) You never do what I ask of you. (You) You always make me angry. (You) You never remember to leave my things inside". It's better: "I think it's wrong that you do not do what I ask you to do (I) I'm angry, son, it's the third time that I've found my tools out of place." Just like it's better to say "do you explain (me)?", That "do you understand (you)?"
Tips for talking with your teenager
1. Plan an activity with your teenager that shows your interest and concern for his life. Ask him about his favorite sport or hobby to do an activity that requires you to spend some time together a week. Build a model, go to a game, go out and buy something (because it is necessary or simply by leaving) ...
2. Write your own objectives for the type of communication you want for your children, specifying them. Discuss them with your child and ask him / her: Is it worthwhile to set these goals? Can you suggest others? Do you think that it would improve our relationship if we were able to achieve them? If I fail at any time, would you let me know?
3. Set up turns of speech. If you tend to talk more than a minute without letting your child have the opportunity to talk, start measure how long you talk without letting others intervene. Ask your spouse or child to help you break that bad habit. Sometimes, a discrete signal, like a gesture, can be a great reminder.
4. Make a list of topics What do you think your son might want: a football team brochure you've got, a newspaper article about an interesting business carried out by a teenager, what you think about changes in your work ... Use the list so that conversations at home are more interesting. If they are stimulating and fun, then your child will come for more.
Realize that having rested enough You are in a better condition to talk. It may seem obvious, but fatigue causes more communication problems than we imagine. It is better to rest twenty minutes and then speak ten, than to argue for half an hour.
Ricardo Regidor
Advice: Paul W. Swets.Family counselor, organizer of seminars for parents of teenagers and writer.
