How to manage a fight at home with teenage children
Conflicts in the relationship with adolescents are normal and typical of the stage. Discussions and quarrels at home with parents are frequent by the generational shock and the whole family passes a litmus test when trying to manage them. The transition from child to adult creates difficult internal tensions that lead the adolescent to act in a way that can be difficult for the environment to tolerate.
"It's exhausting" and "I can not anymore" are two phrases with which parents with teenage children are accustomed to summarize, in the low moments, the coexistence with them. In the stands of the sports facilities, in the meetings of institute or in the talks on education where they coincide with parents of boys and girls of the same age, the one who does not complain of discussions about the disorder in the room complains about the bad answers, the abuse of the video game console, the lack of study or apathy. Exchange experiences to conclude with the usual "I do not know what to do anymore."
The management of family quarrels with adolescents
Families have to adapt to changes and begin to relate to adult aspects that the adolescent demands that they be respected and recognized (even if they involve differences with the parents) while continuing to address aspects of childhood that still persist.
And is that at these ages, children so soon feel overworked and take refuge in a functioning child remembering parents who are not yet adults, as they feel infantilized and claim - sometimes with excessive vehemence - a respect because they are no longer children.
The ability of parents to adapt to these changes often depends on behavior being chronicled, creating vicious circles and ending in an escalation of conflicts. There are no formulas or magic recipes; It is important not to psychologize, psychiatrize or judicialize conflicts that are natural and proper to the changes that occur at that stage.
The difficult relationship with teenage children
Mario Izcovich, head of the adolescent research group of the Col·legi de Psicòlegs de Catalunya, assures that many of the fights that take place in homes with teenagers have to do with the fact that parents expect their children to do certain things; they pose certain tasks or demands, and the kids, who in another context -like a friend's house or some colonies- would assume them, react differently as an unconscious way of expressing a certain rebellion with respect to what their parents expect them to do or be.
"The dynamics show us that adolescents, in addition to being children, are children, and there is a particular dynamic in relation to their parents," he says. Javier Urra, psychologist and clinical director of the RecUrra program for parents and children in conflict, points out that the relationship with adolescent children has always provoked conflicts, has demanded constancy and coherence on the part of the parents, and has been exhausting, "although perhaps in the current society a little more because there is more social permissiveness than before" and it costs more to exercise authority.
Starting from all these premises -that conflicts with the adolescent son are inherent in that phase of development and we should not fail to face them-, Javier Urra explains that "there are no magic solutions -in education there are never any-, only the reflections of people used to interact with teenagers, including their own offspring. "
Marina Berrio
Advice: Javier Urra, psychologist and clinical director of the RecUrra program andMario Izcovich, responsible for the adolescent research group of the Col·legi de Psicòlegs de Catalunya.
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