The grandparents and their relationship with the family
From the beginning, we must establish the limits well, which will help us to have a more cordial relationship between grandparents, parents and grandchildren. A temptation is that the grandparents want to intrude in the life of the marriage, or in the education of the grandchildren, without respecting the limits; or, on the contrary, that the children do not know how to put them, because it costs them a lot.
In this case, it often happens that grandparents have excessive power over their parents and they lose their ability to decide, delegating their educational role to their grandparents.
Sometimes, and especially if both spouses work, the availability of grandparents is abused and their well-deserved rest is not respected.
The grandparents, sometimes, they feel, because of the differences with the familiar patterns of their time, that the parents of their grandchildren, their children, are not sufficiently present; This feeling makes them worry more about their education and interfere in the life of marriage and in their educational approach. Sometimes grandparents do not feel strong enough to perform tasks with grandchildren who require more youth or better health, assuming a burden.
Advice for parents: the relationship with grandparents
When it comes to solving the care of your children it is important to look for options that help everyone to get along well and with ease. We must respect the limits that grandparents need to take care of themselves and have their own space, making them see that you have yours, as a family and as a marriage.
If grandparents access the care of grandchildren, you can not fall into hidden blackmail: "I know that my mother expects this, that my father wants the other, we can not leave the child and then we have paid the child's room and We can not do ...". Be free and generous before them. You have to take into account the opinions of the grandparents and later decide what to do. And always, appreciate the work they do, because having a good grandfather nearby favors the psychic health of children. It is a real effort for them, although they love the grandchildren a lot and they rejoice in their lives.
When the grandparents have passed away
If one of the grandparents is a widower, it is advisable to tell the grandchild stories about the deceased spouse; in this way, the other grandfather makes it known and the child recognizes it as part of himself, of his history. It is also very beneficial for grandparents to explain the relationship they had with each other, to know how they liked each other. If the two have died, it must be the parents who undertake this, teach them pictures, thus favoring the child to find his roots and learn from the lives of others.
And if we get along with grandparents
Children perceive almost everything. If I do not get along with my mother-in-law, son-in-law, I should value them as parents of my spouse, or as a spouse of my son or daughter. The right of children to know their grandparents and to value them for themselves must be respected. When there is a bad relationship, tend to appear sides, preferences and criticism; thus, we only put the child in a position to choose, to prefer, to reject. This is very hard and dangerous for a child. Therefore, it is important to overcome the disagreements and value that is the grandfather of my son, who has the right to deal with him and who, although sometimes he believes it difficult, will enrich that treatment. And here, it is the children -women or daughters-in-law- who must always yield more.
Grandparents geographically remote
The relationship with grandparents should always be encouraged, even if we live in different cities. This supposes, at certain moments, a greater effort, but that will always have its reward. The grandchildren should call their grandparents every week to tell them their little experiences. Thus, although physically they do not accompany them, they make them participants and close to their things. Grandparents will enjoy listening to each other's explanations.
In addition, within the possibilities of each family, a trip to the grandparents' home should be planned, at least once a quarter, and encourage the grandparents to visit us from time to time.
With the arrival of the holidays we are offered another opportunity to intensify the treatment of grandparents and grandchildren. Children can take turns spending a few days with their grandparents, making this an exclusive opportunity to get to know each other more.
Parents educate, grandparents enjoy
In the trinomial grandparents-parents-grandchildren it is necessary to differentiate well the functions of each one. Grandchildren know that their relationship with grandparents is different from their relationship with their parents. Being with the grandparents should mean a moment of relaxation and, perhaps, a little more permissiveness. Parents, for their part, have to be aware that it is not their job to change their grandparents, nor educate them, nor demand specific behavior. They must be flexible, understanding and aware that they must always give a little more to them.We can not create unnecessary tensions because grandparents forgive their grandchildren for food, let them eat in the living room or put their feet on the sofa. The grandchildren perfectly differentiate the rules in one place or another. And, perhaps, grandparents enjoy offering grandchildren this little moment of freedom.
Ana Aznar
Advisor:Charo González Martín. Dr. in Pedagogy. Expert in Family Therapy.
