5 messages that every adolescent should receive
Have you stopped to think What topics do you talk about with your adolescent? It is usual that most of the time we dedicate it to correct, prohibit, order, etc. We will not deny that communication at this stage is somewhat more complicated but, despite this, our son "needs" to listen 5 messages that every adolescent should receive.
It is common to hear parents refer with horror to the adolescence stage of their children. It seems that the enemy has gotten into the house and we are poor victims who suffer from their changing moods, their disorder, disobedience, bad grades, unwise companies, plans with which we do not agree, etc., etc. And so, the coexistence with our children becomes a continuous battle.
The time has come to change tactics
We must know that much of the fault we have, we do, although our ears screech when reading this. We just have to put ourselves in their place and try to think how we would feel if each time our boss -the parents in the case of the adolescent- spent the day telling us negative things, commenting on how badly we work, what it costs to live in the office with us, how badly we organize ourselves, the bad work results ...
Well, this is the life of our teenage children and it is in our hands to turn this situation around. For this we must change the "chip" and make a determined effort to get positive messages from our lips; he must convince himself that, whatever he / she is, we love him very much, that we are and will be by his side to overcome the difficulties together, that we are allies, not enemies, that we correct him to bring out the best in him / her, that we will have patience for to hope that that wonderful person comes out and that now we do not see anywhere.
We are the ones who educate, therefore, we must be above a "passing state" such as adolescence; we must be up to the best parents of our children and this requires many hours of training.
What do we talk about with our teenager?
Usually, the most common answer to this question is: "To talk to you, I do not talk to you much, rather I constantly shout at you because of the disorder in your room, because of the notes, because you tend to run away when you have to help at home or because the end of week arrived later than usual. " Sometimes, perhaps more than desired, trying to communicate with a teenager in crisis is a difficult task; but, if we neglect, our relationship can be dangerously reduced to censorship and criticism of his person and behavior.
However, our daughter has special communication needs and expects us to take the initiative, we must adopt a more active stance, transmitting with constancy but without being weighed, a series of messages that most adolescents expect to hear from His parents. In these pages we propose five messages, but it is in your hands to discover what you would like to hear your own son.
Messages that every teenager should receive from their parents
1. To build your self-esteem: "I'm proud of you"
With this simple phrase, we help to build the self-esteem of our son. We can ask ourselves, when should I tell her? Surely it comes out naturally to us at the moment when it achieves some success, but really a teenager needs it especially when it fails. Thus, we convey to him that we are proud of him / her because he is our child and we do not need more reasons. And yet, many teenagers may not be lucky enough to hear this message often. We should be proud of our hij @ and recognize him for what he is and for the sincere efforts What does he do to improve, without comparing him with others and without setting arbitrary goals, such as getting everything outstanding or being the most complete athlete in his class?
Possibly it is more expensive to be proud of a child when he makes wrong decisions or when he fails, but have we stopped to think that this is part of the learning of the use of freedom? Without the experience of our own failures, how to learn from them? Although the circumstances are not ideal, we should never allow the love to disappear or make our child think that it has vanished. When a person fails the last thing he needs to hear is someone remind him how clumsy he is: "Son, with that behavior you will not do anything positive in life."
With phrases like this we can hurt him deeply and what he will really internalize will be: "Son, you have disappointed me deeply as a human being, I am ashamed not only of your behavior, but of you". When you make a mistake, let us stay with you to help you reflect on what you have done, why and how to rectify it.
2. To enhance your security: "Count on me"
When problems arise, adolescents attach great importance to knowing that they can go to their parents to solve them. This feeling is achieved if we have repeatedly said: "When you need it, do not hesitate to go to me, I will always listen to you and I will help you." Although by nature the teenager is rebellious, always needs to be sure that in difficult times "my parents are there".
However, if we do not pay attention to him when he is having a bad time, we will be giving him a good reason to work on his own, seeking advice and help from other people. We must listen to them, without wanting to speak and sentence continuously. This is the way to make it clear that "you are important to me", "I care about your affairs", "I like to listen to your ideas and opinions", etc.
3. To form a criterion: "Understanding you is not always giving you reason"
That a teenager says his parents are somewhat outdated or that we do not understand them is something that goes into the normal. Therefore, we should not be frustrated, but know that they are typical behaviors of 13, 14, 15 or 16 years, even some children reach 17 or 18. If we do not sow much in childhood, it is most likely that communication in the Adolescence becomes especially difficult, but we should not throw in the towel. When our son "accuses" us that we do not understand him we should know that it is just a way to defend himself. Confuse "not understanding" with "not agreeing".
By approaching him / her we can not change our mind, as we would be letting him manipulate us. If he gets angry and tells us that we do not understand him, we will ask him to help us with phrases like: "Yes, I want to understand you, but for that, tell me something else, help me by telling me what you feel and maybe I can help you by explaining why this is the case".
But if only what happens is that we do not agree with him / her, we can repeat what he says, his arguments, his ideas, until he is satisfied and then comment: "You see that I understand what you want to say and why But, it seems to me that our problem is not lack of understanding but lack of agreement "
4. To help you grow inside: "I trust you"
In this stage our hij @ he needs more than ever to trust him / her, so we can never tell you "I will not believe you again, you cheated me and you have lost my trust forever" He must know that he is free to deceive us, but he who suffers the most is him and, despite this, we will always give him another chance. Our son needs us to tell him that our confidence in him will gradually increase as he acquires new knowledge and experiences in those situations that require trust. It is also true that there may be another reason why it is so difficult for our parents to trust our children, and that is that we have experienced first-hand all the risks, situations and dangers inherent in this stage.
We know how easy it is to give in to the pressures of the environment when you are not prepared. This prevents us from giving our children an unlimited trust. In fact, we would not be doing our job as parents if we allow our children to be in situations where the degree of risk is higher than their level of maturity.
5. To grow healthy: "I love you a lot"
Sometimes, we can miss many opportunities to express love and affection - and to receive it - only because we have not proposed it as a conscious goal. And, nevertheless, it is the most important message that boys and girls want to hear from their parents. Love is the essential ingredient of a healthy family. An "I love you", said out loud and often, it helps us to know who we are and why we were born.
When a teenager is not sure of his or her parents' love, the other four messages above do not mean anything. They need to be told that they love them and that they show it to them. How can they be sure that they are loved if they have never told them? How can they be sure if their parents never spend time with him?
The way to show love to a child is spelled with each of the letters of the word "time". Giving gifts, providing food and clothes, showing affection in other ways is fine, but you also have to be willing to waste time with your teenager: go eat, go out together, talk about your hobbies, help prepare a celebration surprise a friend, advise him how to dress for a party, etc.
Tips to improve communication with adolescent children
- Have you ever said to your son: “You know I'm proud of you and I do not care about anything else? " This feeling of be proud of our children It is the best way to convey to them the great love we feel for them and that this reality is what really makes us happy.
- When you improve your way of listening, your son will also learn to listen better. Imagine the positive impact it will have on the quality of conversation in your family.
- It's not about saying: "I understand exactly how you feel"It sounds like wanting to get away from your feelings and wanting to find a quick solution to the problem. Although we remember our adolescence we are not already fifteen years old, nor do we live that specific moment through which our child is going through. Maybe it would be better to tell him "I can understand that you're having a hard time, I'm here to help you. If you want we look for a solution together”.
- There is a danger of putting the children too high and also in the wrong place. If they come to believe that they need, for example, to get everything out of the way to be accepted, they can deduce that their parents care only about successes ... not people. And so, as a result, they will not try to do the best they can.
- It is important that they clearly distinguish that the person can be accepted, even if their behavior is not approved. You are proud of him, because in your son, but not of what he has done, making it clear that your anger refers only to his actions, not to him as a person.
Life, on occasion, imposes a frenetic pace, from which it is difficult to escape. But we can not forget that at least once a week we must take time to talk with each child. As we write down a work meeting, write down whether or not we talk to the children, review this agenda and rectify when we have not found a space for them. And, daily, a look, a gesture, a word, a comment will help our child know that we are aware of him and his things.
Ana Aznar
