Leadership in the family
For lead a family one must be willing to second decisions of one's partner; to obey the other on occasions when you do not feel like it, to know how to ask for forgiveness ... We could almost speak of a universal experience as regards leadership in the family to say that "who does not know how to yield to the other, will hardly know how to send." Those who do not know how to support a sensible decision of their partner, can hardly get their family to take their own initiatives seriously.
In families that enjoy a stable marriage, the father and the mother are not usually independent in their decisions. Usually, reciprocal authority must be coordinated and respected in a mutual way.
Basics of leadership in the family: respecting authority
"Arbitrator bought 'party regalao' ...!" When you see soccer with your children, do you disavow referees with impunity ...? (Another thing is to show a specific disagreement). We recommend respecting the authority of those to whom it has been granted, even if it is only to give an example to the children.
It is not so much the respect to the decision, to the norm or to the custom as the respect to the person clothed with the legitimate power to decide, to dictate, etc.
Nobody escapes that we live in an era where respect for authority is, in many areas, a museum piece and the example of parents in this aspect, as in many others, is decisive.
A parent who disavows the teacher, the mobility agent or the president of the community, doubly harms himself: he deprives the criticizing leader of his strength, making it difficult to achieve his service and, at the same time, deprive himself of the right to be respected before their children, that is, their own leadership in the family. And let's not say, if the critic is the one's partner. The consequences are very harmful for everyone.
External signs of respect that support leadership in the family
Some parents confuse proximity to children, with the abandonment of rights and duties. Wrongly, they think that the respect that children owe to the authority of their parents is a barrier that hinders them. This circumstance, in a more or less overlapping manner, generates a climate of abandonment with dangerous consequences, particularly in difficult hours, in which, in the interests of the common good, the father may be forced to demand hard sacrifices.
Undoubtedly, times have changed, but that does not mean that parents still remain parents, and therefore, they still deserve external signs of recognition.
The exterior signs of respect are not reminiscent of the past, but important elements that allow the children to show their filial love and due submission to the authority of the parents. At the same time, they are a manifestation of elegance and cultural and spiritual richness.
Maybe it's not about making the whole family in the classroom when Mom gets to work, but it's not the opposite extreme either; Mom or Dad arrives and as if the cat enters under the door ...
Some education standards to encourage leadership
We propose that parents stop and think about a training plan in external expressions of respect that highlight the value that each one represents in the family. This plan would come to be specified in a series of basic rules of courtesy and education. Some education standards that favor leadership in the family are:
- Greet with correction and affection, without haste or carelessness
- Listen patiently to the notices
- Shut up when parents speak
- Do not contradict impertinently
- When they are reprimanded, keep silence
- When eating, do not start until mom feels
- Let dad be served first, get up from the "supersillon" so grandpa feels, etc.
Leaders in synchronization within the family
People are like musical instruments, which can be tuned or out of tune, be harmonic or discordant and when they join in an orchestra they can interpret the most sublime melodies or horrible disagreements. That is, a couple with everything in favor, can be harmonized more or less according to each one.
In addition, the sometimes incompatible schedules and the overload of tasks, make the possibilities of coordination between parents not always easy to solve. To all this, we must add the picaresque of the children, who know who to go to get what interests them ... "You know perfectly well that these are not hours to play at the computer, so turn it off immediately. left!!...". One possible way out could be: "Well, you are right and you have the right to play because Dad has left you, but there was a rule that said that now it was not possible to play and I do not know that that rule has been removed. so, in a precautionary way you will stop playing until dad and I talk and decide what is the most convenient "," Jo, mamaaa! ".
I think that in case of contradictory orders it is convenient to opt for the most formative for the child and not for the most comfortable for all.What if two things have a similar formative burden? Take a good look at that moment and opt for what you least want. It is not for the desire to annoy the children, but to promote the will and the character. Logically, at the moment it bothers them, in a second moment they do not care that much either, but in the long run they are infinitely grateful.
It is understandable that, in the face of children's attempts to get away with it, parents feel vilified, and wounded pride can lead them to compete with their own partner for popularity before their children. But they must get out of that emotional blindness because if this situation is not corrected in time they can be derived to various inappropriate ways.
It may happen that the children take sides with one of the parents against the other, reinforcing in this way an exclusive leadership. Or it can happen that children lose confidence in their parents, unable to understand.
It is already seen that this question is important and demands from both parents an effort of elementary synchronization and a generous willpower to govern with energy. To overcome this possible circumstance, important doses of communication and agreement on the part of the couple will be necessary.
The overwhelming leadership of the couple in the family
That leadership is "reciprocal and shared" is not an easy task and in many marriages one could speak of "dominant and submissive" leadership. This happens when it is a condition of the alliance that one of the spouses dominates the other.
When the woman is the leader or dominator, the husband flutters around him almost without voice or vote. If the man has a little more character, situations can become a little more strained, but this will tend to fall back to please his wife ... or evolve towards reciprocity or separation.
When it is the man who dominates, the casuistry appears more varied: many women try to face the situation with assertiveness (good character), others abandon their husbands and many others accept and perhaps even seek this type of relationship, because They have not known anything else.
Apparently, adopting the role of subject is more comfortable because "I do what they tell me" ... This attitude is typical of insecure people. The person who is under the leadership of another is protected by the leader: he does not feel the need to make decisions or make choices for himself. Follow the model presented by your spouse. As we say, it may seem more comfortable but in the long run it becomes uncomfortable because the human being does not exist to be "at ease" but to fulfill himself as a person, and the lack of freedom makes us less a person. Therefore, letting ourselves be submitted is easier, but it does not make us happier.
Luis Manuel Martínez, Doctor in Pedagogy
